Mental Illness...take 37?

I'm starting to spiral down. It's been about 2 years since I started on my new meds, and that is typically about how long it takes for my brain to become resistant to the drug. My options are A. Up the dosage  B. Switch meds  C. Deal with it  D. Taper off the meds and try something else.

I KNOW! I can hear you all screaming from here DON'T GO OFF! I even made you all pinky promise to never let me do it, the last time I spiraled out of control. And I already tried upping the dosage. It did not help my symptoms, only increased the negative side effects, so I went back down. I wouldn't say I'm in Hell yet, but I can see the writing on the wall.

The anxiety at night makes it hard to sleep. I still dream about Luke's bloody face. My legs have started twitching at night, so you know, restless leg syndrome + anxiety = ZERO REM sleep. I wake up in the morning and don't want to get out of bed. Ever. I've trained my kids well though, see, so I don't HAVE to get up till much later. Kate and Ella get themselves off to school sans help from me. Zeke will sit and play his iPod for hours if he has to. He will eventually come wake me up though, if no one has made him breakfast before they left.

Actually, what usually gets me out of bed, is Lucy, whining at my door. I don't know why, but these dogs LOVE me and can't stand it when they know I'm shut off from them somewhere. They follow me around all day, lay under my desk while I surf the web, lay on my lap if I sit down on the couch. Boog sits under my feet while I cook, and sleeps in my closet on a pile of my dirty clothes until I get out of bed. It's comforting, and also added responsibility that I don't want all at the same time.

Where was I going with this?

Oh yeah. What to do. What. to. do...

So, I tried to exercise. Bleh. I hate it. I can't make myself do it, even though I'm starting to get a little pooch. That usually motivates me, but it's not this time. I don't care if I'm overweight. Whatever.

The apathy is the telling sign for me. I'm not sad, blue, 'depressed', just.... blah. Clean house, filthy house, clean kids, filthy kids, Dinner, cereal, shower, maybe not... you know, whatever. I don't really care.

Chris suggested I try going 'offline' for a while. This after I read a very disturbing paper on the Monoamine Theory. This is where the Mental Illness market began, when scientists 'discovered' that serotonin is what causes depression. Yeah, well, except come to find out, they didn't really discover that at all. This is a clip from that paper:

A now famous 2008 study in the New England Journal of Medicine by Turner et al sought to expose the extent of this data manipulation. They demonstrated that, from 1987 to 2004, 12 antidepressants were approved based on 74 studies. Thirty-eight were positive, and 37 of these were published.  Thirty-six were negative (showing no benefit), and 3 of these were published as such while 11 were published with a positive spin (always read the data not the author's conclusion!), and 22 were unpublished.

In 1998 tour de force, Dr. Irving Kirsch, an expert on the placebo effect, published a meta-analysis of 3,000 patients who were treated with antidepressants, psychotherapy, placebo, or no treatment and found that only 27% of the therapeutic response was attributable to the drug's action.

This was followed up by a 2008 review, which invoked the Freedom of Information Act to obtain access to unpublished studies, finding that, when these were included, antidepressants outperformed placebo in only 20 of 46 trials (less than half!), and that the overall difference between drugs and placebos was 1.7 points on the 52 point Hamilton Scale.  This small increment is clinically insignificant, and likely accounted for by medication side effects strategically employed (sedation or activation).

When active placebos were used, the Cochrane database found that differences between drugs and placebos disappeared, given credence to the assertion that inert placebos inflate perceived drug effects.

The finding of tremendous placebo effect in the treatment groups was also echoed in two different meta-analyses by Khan et al who found a 10% difference between placebo and antidepressant efficacy, and comparable suicide rates. The most recent trial examining the role of "expectancy" or belief in antidepressant effect, found that patients lost their perceived benefit if they believed that they might be getting a sugar pill even if they were continued on their formerly effective treatment dose of Prozac.

The largest, non-industry funded study, costing the public $35 million dollars, followed 4000 patients treated with Celexa (not blinded, so they knew what they were getting), and found that half of them improved at 8 weeks. Those that didn't were switched to Wellbutrin, Effexor, or Zoloft OR "augmented" with Buspar or Wellbutrin.

Guess what? It didn't matter what was done, because they remitted at the same unimpressive rate of 18-30% regardless with only 3% of patients in remission at 12 months."

It continues with EVEN MORE GOOD NEWS!! 

"An important analysis by the former director of the NIMH makes claims that antidepressants "create perturbations in neurotransmitter functions" causing the body to compensate through a series of adaptations which occur after "chronic administration" leading to brains that function, after a few weeks, in a way that is "qualitatively as well as quantitatively different from the normal state."

Changes in beta-adrenergic receptor density, serotonin autoreceptor sensitivity, and serotonin turnover all struggle to compensate for the assault of the medication.

Andrews, et al., calls this "oppositional tolerance," and demonstrate through a careful meta-analysis of 46 studies demonstrating that patient's risk of relapse is directly proportionate to how "perturbing" the medication is, and is always higher than placebo (44.6% vs 24.7%). They challenge the notion that findings of decreased relapse on continued medication represent anything other than drug-induced response to discontinuation of a substance to which the body has developed tolerance. They go a step further to add:

"For instance, in naturalistic studies, unmedicated patients have much shorter episodes, and better long-term prospects, than medicated patients. Several of these studies have found that the average duration of an untreated episode of major depression is 12–13 weeks."

Harvard researchers also concluded that at least fifty percent of drug-withdrawn patients relapsed within 14 months. In fact:

"Long-term antidepressant use may be depressogenic . . . it is possible that antidepressant agents modify the hardwiring of neuronal synapses (which) not only render antidepressants ineffective but also induce a resident, refractory depressive state."

So, when your doctor says, "You see, look how sick you are, you shouldn't have stopped that medication," you should know that the data suggests that your symptoms are withdrawal, not relapse."

Depressing isn't it? All these YEARS I have been a pro-drug! Pushing meds on all my sick friends and family members, only to discover, that I have been lied to all along. And NOW, thanks to these deceptions my condition is actually a whole lot worse, and there may be no hope of ever regaining normal brain chemical activity. 

I just want to climb into bed and never come out. 

If you look at all the studies cited here, and I did, it shows a pretty convincing picture, but as I was lamenting to Chris last night, he suggested that maybe it's all true, and maybe it's not. And maybe I just needed to take a break from reading so much information. I'm an information junkie, I admit it. He even suggested I was 'addicted' to it. He's probably right. I become obsessed with 'uncovering the truth'. Here's the rub though, we never know for sure who's lying. Studies can be manipulated to show untrue outcomes. Researchers can lie just like everyone. Pharmaceutical companies get caught doing this so much you wonder why they are still allowed to pedal meds to the unsuspecting public. Yet, I feel so... disheartened. I know some drugs work for me, but only for so long. Changing them is such an exhaustive process, and one I will have to do every couple of years for the REST OF MY LIFE, and what if I never had to start down this rabbit hole in the first place? What if I just rode out that first initial wave of depression after Luke was born, with the hope that once my body hormones normalized, I'd find peace again. What if? 

I'll never know. It's too late. It's been 18 years of off and on drug dependence and now I don't know if I'll ever be free of it. I'm sorry if I influenced you to join me in this rabbit hole. 

I don't know what to do. In my present state of 'slipping'-- the path of least resistance seems the no brainer... keep taking the drugs...till, what? I hit rock bottom and become suicidal again? THEN do something about it? We'll have health insurance again in August. I guess I will just have to wait until then to figure this nightmare out. 

In the meantime, I think I'm going to try going 'information free'. I'll just read for fun, or maybe not. I'm halfway through my transcribing of Isaiah (I'm writing out Gileadi's translation, with my own notes, so that I can understand it better. The process of writing it down, helps me process and understand things, hence, the reason I blog.). That's pretty depressing too though. Isaiah's nothing if not doom and gloom. Maybe I'll find a good crochet project and work on that. Anyone want a hat? 

*sigh*

First Day of Montessori

No matter what school your kids attend (or if they are home schooled) the single most important factor is not the method, or the atmosphere or the supplies. It is the quality of the teacher. The girls both got an improvement (over me) in that department with this new year starting.

We went to meet them on Monday. Since Ella was accepted so late, she hadn't been assigned to a class yet. The front office was a mad house of the Jr. High kids getting their schedules, so the secretary told me she'd do it later that day.

We made our way down to Kate's teacher. While she was in getting to know her, one of the aids from the other class told me Miss Angela was the best, most experienced teacher in the Montessori method in the whole school, having taught it back east for a decade. Literally, an answer to desperate prayers of this mom, worried about Kate and her dyslexia. Kate needed to stay home the last few months of last year, but she was ready to go back and try again, so she was super excited she got in.

She loves Miss Angela, and I know she's going to be alright this year.

Ella started today, still not having a class assignment, so we were told to wait in the library this morning till they could place her somewhere. So frustrating for her to be in the library with Mom when everyone else was getting to know their new classmates. She kept saying, "I hope I get Miss Melissa!" after deciding she liked the way her room was decorated the best! I was silently praying she would just get a good teacher-- and that she'd be ok with whoever it was.

After 20 min. the secretary finally came around to collect us. We went from class to class while she interrupted teachers to ask what their head count was. She was sure one class had one less student, but after checking them all, and finding them all equal, she made a decision to put Ella with Miss Emily. An older woman, who came out into the hall to hug Ella AND me! She was so kind and nurturing, I knew Ella got a good one.

I went back to the office to finish up some paperwork and the secretary told me that Miss Emily was such a beloved teacher at her last school that families took whatever track she was on, and rearranged their lives just to get her. They were several that were devastated she had left. That's the kind of teacher every parent dreams of for their child. I can breathe a sigh or relief, knowing both girls will have loving, kind, experienced teachers.

They both came home today positively giddy with excitement and lots to tell me about their day. This is going to be a good year for them. The Lord is watching over them, in all things. I'm so happy.

But my head is exploding with 2 car pool schedules to juggle… ugh. Home schooling had it's perks...

{Zeke wanted in on this action too--
He and I are starting reading lessons, at his behest. He's still so clingy, that school this year would have been bad for him, so I'm glad he missed the deadline. I may just keep him home next year too, and then put him straight into 1st grade in 2 years. Chris is worried about school crushing his soul, and begged me not to send him too early. I won't. I think he will reach a point where he wants to go, and will be ready, and then we'll strike while the iron's hot. For now though, he loves his Momma, and loves to say, "I'll go to school when I'm Kate's age (10)." LOL. Hopefully, before that…}

Who's that weird dude in your photo?

I'm not allowed to blog about Luke anymore. *sigh*

So, I'm left with this:

Look closely. See him? 

The girl in front is Luke's core mentor at PHS. Chris and Luke went up for her reception the other night. Apparently, it was lame, due to the fact that 3/4 of the guests were Paradigm students. But, that shows she was a popular teacher, and that's always a good thing.

***********

Kate and I are doing well in home school. I've been reading a few books, trying to figure out how much I want her to do… what I'm willing to do… what her learning style is… 

I read A Well Trained Mind by Wise and Wise-Bauer. It is classical education based on the trivium. 

Here's a quote: "The classical pattern of collecting facts, applying critical thinking to those facts, and then expressing your opinion of them (grammar, logic, and rhetoric) comprises the trivium of a classical education". 

In grades 1-4, the child just absorbs and memorizes facts. Math, Latin, History dates, rules of grammar. A LOT. I started having a panic attack. Chris had to talk me off the ledge. This kind of education, while superior, is just too much for Kate and I. 

So I kept reading. I came across another book, 100 top picks for homeschool curriculum : choosing the right curriculum and approach for your child's learning style, by Cathy Duffy.

I'm still reading, but I've figured out the learning style of everyone in our family. 

Kate, Chris, and I are visual learners. Luke Tess and Chris are auditory learners. Ella and Zeke are kinesthetic learners. It's interesting stuff. You'd think that with Kate and Chris' dyslexia, they wouldn't be visual learners, but apparently, ALL dyslexics are visual learners. Most develop auditory skills too in an attempt to compensate for their dyslexia, but in all other areas, they are visual. 

The quiz had this one question that asked, if you left your child in a room alone and peeked in 15 min. later would they be:

A. Dancing around or otherwise in motion

B. Reading or drawing

C. Rearranging their toys

D. Talking to themselves

I had to laugh out loud as I thought of my family. 

Luke would be listening to his iPod. I would be reading, Kate would be drawing.

Tess would be talking to herself or listening to music, Chris would be listening to a book on tape while following along on his Kindle. Zeke would be doing Ninja kicks and Ella would be dancing with her dolls. 

The hard part now, is to figure out how to teach Kate in her style, without the stress of reading. I've started reading to her, while she follows along. Every once in a while I stop and she says the next word, so I know she's following. This is much easier for her brain to handle and goes so much faster. She's a painfully slow reader, which affects her comprehension. I also just read to her a lot. The scriptures, Harry Potter, A History of Western Art (while she looks at the pictures), books about rocks(science), and she's listening to The Secret Garden on the iPod. She only reads herself about 20 minutes a day. That's about all she can handle. 

She's doing her math on Khan Academy online. They have video tutorials and they have to get 5 in a row right before they can move on to the next concept. It's brilliant. I love it. The best part is, if I don't know how to do something, we just watch the video together. I'm learning stuff I forgot ages ago! If you ever need to help your child with their math homework and find yourself feeling lost, just go to Khanacademy.com and look up the video for whatever it is you need.

She practices the piano, practices typing, writes in her journal, and we're pretty much done. 

I may add or subtract stuff as we go on. This is a process that will be in a constant state of flux I'm sure.  

Thanks to my improved patience and her more willing attitude, we're getting along great, and I have a babysitter home all the time. It could be worse! 

Homeschool, take…THREE!

Kate has a headache every day. Every day. We thought maybe it was glasses she needed, so we got her some. Still gets headaches. We thought maybe her teacher last year was just too strict and pushed too hard, so this year, I talked to her teacher and told him not to pressure or push her in ANY way. He doesn't. She still has a headache. It's possible  that she has tracking problems with her eyes, and being in a school setting where she has to look at a board or read from worksheets all day gives them to her. We can't afford 'eye training'.

So, I've been pondering and thinking and wondering and praying. In the temple last week, I had the distinct impression that I needed to pull her out of school and homeschool her.

Really?

I hedged and said, "next year."

And the Spirit said, "NOW."

So my first problem here is, I tried to homeschool this child in first grade and despite what I consider a heroic effort, it was a disaster.

Second problem, Ella. I cannot home school that child and have any semblance of a loving relationship with her. She and I are too alike, and like magnets with the same charge, we repel each other. I feel like I'm finally making some progress with her, and I don't want to go backwards. But I know she will freak out if Kate comes home and she has to stay in school.

So I've been testing the waters. I mentioned possibly homeschooling Kate at dinner one night. Ella chimed right up with, "Me too?"

"No honey. Kate gets headaches every day, she needs to stay home. You are really good at school, and you like it, and you love your friends and your teacher, you would be bored at home."

I think she's past studying like this at least.

And she AGREED!

Ah. Tender mercies. So problem #2 is solved. Now for the bigger problem, will Kate work with me, or will she be belligerent every time I expect her to study?

This past week, every time she has whined or complained when I ask her to do something, I say, "Well, I can't homeschool you if this is the attitude you're going to have." It's like waving a magic wand. My stubborn child turns into the picture of obedience. She really wants to be home schooled. Enough to do what I ask the first time now.

Sooooo….

Looks like I'm outta excuses. During my meditation today, again, I got, "Pull her out. Today."

She'd already gone to school at this point, and I needed to go file the home schooling affidavit with the District first, and run over to my MIL's and help her… so I hedged, again.

BUT, tomorrow is the day.

I'm going to need your prayers. Desperately.

Montessori

I just found out that there is a Montessori Charter school opening next fall just down the street from us. I am SO EXCITED! Besides the fact that I LOVE the Montessori method, it will be on the traditional calendar and NOT year round!!!! Chris, the big kids and the little kids will have the same schedule!

BUT. I missed the first lottery, so am anxiously waiting till Feb. 1st to see if we make it in.

I tell you, this would be an answer to prayers. My poor little Kate is dying in the public system. She needs a change, and we all know how good at home schooling I am. :P

Pray for us! PLEASE!!!

January Birthdays

Chris and Kate almost shared a birthday. I went into labor on his birthday, but Kate was stubborn, and didn't show up till 2 days later. It was a long labor… I complain about her birth every year don't I?

Chris is 44

Kate is 10
Happy Birthday!

Kate's teacher

I hadn't heard from Kate's teacher so I sent another email asking if the address was working. He responded with this:

Kristin,
I apologize for the delay in my response.  Class assignments are still changing, and I just resolved the issues with my email.
First, I want to thank you for reaching out to me about Kate.  It is important to me that parents show a devotion to their child's education.  Much of what you shared with me will blend well with my teaching style and classroom management.
Kate does not need to worry about anything in my class.  If she feels stressed out or overwhelmed, I can easily adjust my instructions and activities.  Please have her communicate her feelings with me.  There will be many 'breaks' throughout the day to help the students keep their focus.  Also, I was informed that the Resource instructors will help monitor her progress throughout the year.  Hopefully, they will meet with her often.  
The focus of my classroom is growth.  As long as Kate does her best, she will succeed. Grades in my class reflect effort, citizenship, and growth towards goals.  I do not label the students.  I do not publicly humiliate or discipline any child.  I acknowledge problems by privately chatting with the child.   
A strong element of my educational philosophy is understanding that each of my students is a human being first.  Kate needs to play and live life outside of school.  Therefore, the only homework I assign is 30 minutes of reading per night. Supplemental practice for any subject can be provided upon request.
I would love to have you volunteer in my room.  Anytime before 11:10 am and after lunch (12:50 pm) I will have instruction time.  I need to keep fidelity with The Family Rights and Privacy Act (FERPA) for all of my students, so I will need to make some plans for you.
Now that my email is working smoothly, please feel free to contact me anytime.  Back-to-School Night is Aug. 29th at 6:00 pm.  You can meet me in person and learn about the upcoming school year.
Thanks again,
Mr. Preston Roper

I think this is going to be the perfect teacher for Kate! YAY!

Teachers

We just found out who the girls teachers will be for next year. This is always a nail biter as they don't allow you to make requests, and even if you could, the best teacher may not be on the track you are. It sucks. I truly believe the teacher is the most important factor in a child's education.

SO. Ella got the 'good' teacher according to neighborhood gossip. Kate got a brand new teacher. Always a little sketchy. I sent him this letter, I know I have a handful of elementary teachers that read, so tell me if it's too much. Too pushy. Too preachy. I sweated over it, but felt like I needed to let him know what we will and will not do.

Mr. Roper,

My daughter will be in your 4th grade class this year, and I just wanted to introduce myself and acquaint you with her a little bit. Kate has dyslexia, but despite this, graduated from resource before the end of 3rd grade and is back to grade level. Even so, she has to work twice as hard as other kids just to keep up. She is very conscientious and wants to please her teacher, because of this, she will kill herself trying to meet your expectations, and wind up with a headache every day. By the end of last year, she was begging to stay home, despite the fact that her teacher thought she was doing wonderfully.

Kate's father also has dyslexia. He is the principal of Paradigm High School. Their philosophy is very different from the public school model. We both have a different view of education than the norm. Our goal for Kate is simple-- we want her to love learning. We don't care if she finishes her homework, in fact, we are not fans of homework at all. We don't even care if she is on grade level. We know children all learn and progress at different levels and we think the whole 'grade level' system is a bit ridiculous. We are trying to help Kate realize the value of persistence over reading levels and grades. It is hard work to get an education, harder with dyslexia, and harder still not to confuse grades with education. It is persistence that will make her a great student for the rest of her life. When she learns this she will have the confidence to tackle any challenge. As long as she gets through 6th grade still enjoying the learning process we will be happy, despite what level she has attained.

We ask that you do not punish, or publicly humiliate her for not turning in homework. When she gets home, she is exhausted and just needs to be a kid. We insist that she read for 30 min. every night, but other than that, we pick and choose what homework she does. How this affects her grade is up to you, and we do not care. She knows that her grades are not important to us. Her last teacher made her 'pull a ticket' in front of the class, if her homework was not turned in. This was very distressing to her, and when I found out about it, I insisted that it stop. I realize every teacher does what they must to maintain discipline and order in class and if she ever misbehaves, we expect her to be held to the same class rules as the rest. That said, academic performance should never be a matter of discipline.

Kate is extremely bright. When she was diagnosed, she went through several tests and we found that her IQ is 120. She struggles only because she learns differently than most. She is very creative and loves to draw and create. These are her strengths. Reading and math are hard for her because the characters on the page move around in her brain. If you think she would be better off going back to resource, please let us know. She loved the resource teacher and actually cried when we told her she couldn't go anymore. She currently has no IEP, but if you feel she needs one, or if that would help you to be able to 'go easy' on her, we will do that.

I would love the opportunity to volunteer in your class weekly. I can come during preschool hours on T/W/Th, when my last child is gone. If you need someone to read with kids or help in any way related to academics, I would love that. I am not interested in planning parties or being on a PTA committee. Please let me know how I can best help you help your students.

We appreciate all teachers and know that it is a hard job. We don't want to be 'those' parents that hover over you-- we just want Kate to feel relaxed, with no pressure to perform. Please let us know if these requests seem unreasonable to you. I'm sure we can get her into another class if you don't feel you can work with her.

Thank you in advance for all your time and efforts spent on her behalf,

Kristin Johnson

Paint fumes reduce IQ

Tess and Kate were invited to go to CA with my parents last week, to visit my sister in LA. They were both *SO* excited about it-- but mostly, they were excited about the plane ride, since neither of them can remember flying when they were under 2 yo. That's pretty much when we stop taking our kids on planes-- when we have to pay for their own seat...

Anyway, as you can see below, they went to Disneyland-- for TWO days. My sister, who is Martha Stewart on speed, made these shirts for them, so they matched their cousins. Adorable? Yes. 

They also went to the Aquarium, the Zoo, and the beach. Grandma came home pooped. Thanks Brooke! Best Auntie ever!

They loved the roller coasters... Grandma? Not so much.

While they were gone, I worked feverishly to get Tess' room (Luke's old room) repainted and fixed up. The previous homeowners had done a horrific job, the ceiling was splotchy, the moldings weren't taped, and two walls were a sapphire blue, almost purple color. Atrocious. Tess picked out a blue/green color, and we hoped it wouldn't be too loud.

The first day, I removed every light/plug plate, the ceiling fan blades, the blinds, and taped and primed the blue walls. 

The second day, I painted the ceiling flat white.

The third day, I painted the 2 white walls

The fourth day I painted the 2 blue walls and I was *supposed* to be done.

*Deep breath*

Alas, I didn't like the stark white walls-- but I didn't want the whole room that blue. 

What to do? What to do? 

AHA! Mix the paint of course. I'm a genius! 

 So, in true DIY style, I just started pouring paint. Randomly. 

I poured the last 1/4 can of white into a 1/2 full can of blue. Mix mix mix. Stir stir stir. 

Hmmmm.... looks the same. 

*Looking around...*

 Oh! Here's another can of white. Huh...I don't remember getting 2 cans... but what the heck, let's give it go. 

*Pouring blue into empty white, adding equal amount of new white* Mix mix mix. Stir stir stir. 

Hmmm... this looks a little funny. Not *quite* the same blue... 

What the?! Wait A MINUTE! This isn't a new can of white! It's a can of barely tan that we painted in Luke's room!  But how can one tell when the name is 'Mosquito Pass' and the paint blob on the lid LOOKS WHITE!? 

Ah yes. Now I remember. Painting Luke's room was hard, because this paint was almost the same color as the moldings/ceiling. And we painted at night. With insufficient lighting. And we had to do it again the next day when the light of the sun revealed all the places we'd missed...

CRAP. 

CRAP.

CRAP.

Now I have one can of slightly less the original blue paint, one can of light blue but with a tannish undertone, and one can of flat white. 

Well, how about if I just mix some flat white with.... say this less than blue can? 

Sure. Why not?  Mix mix mix. Stir stir stir. 

And voila! Now I have a lighter, if not more tan, shade of blue for one of the white walls. Maybe both. Oh wait, I already took the tape off that wall. Well forget it then. I'm not re-taping too. One wall will just have to stay white. 

Do I need a new roller? Nah. I'll just use this one with the dark blue on it. The new paint will cover it. 

Roll roll roll. 

Hmmm. 

Light blue with dark blue edge marks. 

CRAP. 

CRAP.

CRAP.

Now I have to run to the paint store for another roller. And I should probably have this paint professionally shaken while I'm at. 

*Drive to the paint store, find my supplies, ask the nice boy to please mix my paint for me, go to find my wallet to pay... *

CRAP.

CRAP.

CRAP.

I left my wallet home. 

Can you see where this is going? It was all down hill from here folks. 

But I finished. It's not ideal, but it's 'close enough'. My Dad and brothers are shuddering at that last. Dang perfectionists. I'M SICK OF PAINTING! It's good enough! 

Here's the finished results, after I put everything back together, hung the drapes and moved all the furniture in. I literally did it ALL MYSELF. Just me. I'm freaking awesome I'd say. Chris was pretty burned out from the mad dash to finish Luke's room, so I didn't dare ask for help. And it turns out, I didn't need it. Just went to bed every night with an un-healthy dose of Ibuprofen for the tennis elbow and aching back. But it was all worth it. BECAUSE IT'S DONE! 

Feast your eyes!

Light blue wall

Dark blue wall. 

Tess loves it. It's done. That's all that matters. I'm never painting again. Beige walls and ceilings in 90% of my house will just have to do. 

*I need a Coke*

Luke's IN--

Luke is spending his first night down in his new room tonight. His hammock chair is bolted to the ceiling, and he's slowly moving all his crap downstairs. There are still some odds and ends to finish up (then I'll take and post photos), but everything works and he won't have to come up to use the bathroom. It's strange sitting here on the couch and hearing his music wafting up through the floor...

Next project, get the basement construction crap cleared out, and roll out our free roll of carpet, move the 'ugly' couches down, and set up a little TV room for the kids. It'll be nice to have the TV downstairs. I hate having it up here in the main living area. I dislike hearing the TV on. I like silence. Whenever possible.

Kate and Tess went to California this week with my parents, to stay with my sister. They were so excited-- mostly for the plane ride, a first (that they can remember) for them both. They were even more excited to do that than to go to Disneyland! LOL. I told them they would be disappointed. Flying sucks.

While they're gone, my goal is to get Tess' room (Luke's old room) painted and her stuff moved over. I don't like to paint. I'm not looking forward to it, but I'm determined to get started bright and early tomorrow.

On a sad note: Chris' dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer today. He spent all day at the hospital with him. His dad is relieved to finally know what is wrong, and why he's in constant pain. Chris thinks he's ready to go. Even though he's been so miserable for the last few months, losing him will still be a blow. He's 82. His poor Mom is worn out from care taking. She wants to come live with us when he goes. Luke may not get much time to spend in 'his' room. And we'll have to install some sort of chair lift on the stairs... the kids will love that!

Proof Positive?

Kate has been a cross-stitching fiend lately, making little things for everyone she knows. Today she made this, her middle name  NARIKO.

She said she started with the N-A, before she realized she was doing it backwards, and then she didn't want to unpick it, so she just finished it like that.

Dyslexia?

I think we can close the book on that one. lol.

Glasses and Bunnies

Here she is in all her 4 eyed cuteness

Ok, I finished the Host. Excellent book. Better than the Twilight Series. Can't wait to see the movie, I hope it doesn't suck. Probably will. The Twilight movies could not have been MORE disappointing.

Moving on.

Kate came home from school and told me that she couldn't see the board from the second row, and her teacher said she needed glasses. We had her eyes checked when we found out she had dyslexia, so that was what, 2 years ago? Then, her eyes were perfect. Too perfect the doc said, she'd probably need glasses around age 12.

Well, he was off by 3 years. But, she looks adorable, and doesn't seem to mind the glasses, and so far, *knock on wood* hasn't lost or broken them.

And yes, that's a bunny. She and Tess have been *begging* for a puppy, and then decided they'd settle for a bunny.
Of course I said NO. I have a strictly 'NO pet policy' going on here. Between allergies, and too many kids, a pet is just not going to happen.

I thought.

The neighbors were selling rabbits. The friends bought one and put it in their window well. I was intrigued. No inside smell. No rabbit poop all over the yard. No unsightly rabbit hutch. Hmmm. They saw me waiver and went in for the kill.

"We'll pay for it."

"We'll clean the window well every week!"

"We'll feed it and play with it every day!"

"We'll liter train it!"

"PLEEEEEAAAAASE!"

*sigh*

Obviously, my 'NO pet policy' crumbled like a house of cards. Dammit.

Now we have two rabbits.

5 children. 2 rabbits. I must be insane.

Tess got a brown lop and named it Coco. Kate named her cottontail Snowball. They are pretty cute. The girls -so far- have been responsible. They did shell out about $35 bucks each, of their own money.
It's not so bad. SO FAR.

I did insist that they make sure they were both female, so we don't have a repeat of the Gerbil fiasco of '94. Sheesh. AND, I made them agree to the 'bunnies go straight to the pet shelter the minute they
re-nig on their duties' clause. I sincerely hope I don't have to enforce that one. I'll feel bad. I already feel bad every time it rains, and fret over whether or not they are ok.

This is my problem people. I cannot ignore them. I worry about the DANG RABBITS! AAGGHH!!

Anyone want to volunteer to feed them when we go to Lake Powell? Bother.

Conformity

I went out for ice cream with my neighbor ladies the other night. It was good to get to know them better. Although, I may not have made a very good impression.... I may have mentioned that we no longer immunize and that we own a 'few' guns. I'm pretty sure they think we are either: A. Rednecks
B. Paranoid conspiracy theorists. Oh well, it was fun.

In keeping with the family theories, Luke and the girls had this conversation yesterday.

Kate: I got the Dragon leader award at school mom! I get to go to a special breakfast!

Ella: I want a Dragon award!

Me: What did you have to do to get one?

Luke: Conform.

Me: Luke!

Luke: What? It's all a trick, they give you a piece of paper so you'll BEHAVE the way they want you too!

Ella: Nooo! You get a donut! Kate even got one!

Luke: See? Mindless conformity.

Of course I didn't take a camera to the 'ceremony'. I thought it was just breakfast. No. It was a whole deal. The kids got up by grade, had their name read, shook the Vice principals hand (yippee) and then got to write their name on a leaf to be hung up on the Dragon leader award tree. It took forever. Before the breakfast, I asked Kate what she had done to earn the award. She had no idea. Hmmm.

Once we got her certificate, we saw why the teacher had nominated her, for being so conscientious and diligent with her school/homework. I really am proud of her for that. School is not easy for her, but she never gives up. Of all my children, she is the one who's personality is best suited to having dyslexia. She will overcome, or die trying!

Kate is NINE

Birthday Suit. Earliest photo I have that is digital, she's 2 here. Pretty cute eh?

Kate turned nine on the 19th. It's her year for friend birthday party, which was easy, since she only has 2 friends out here so far. They are both named Hayley/Hailey. Kinda funny. Anyway, January is always such a bummer time to have a party, especially this colder than average year, I'm getting too many comma's in here (Eden, don't judge me!), SOOOO Kate decided to take her friends to this trampoline place called Airborne. They get an hour of jumping, and with only 3 to pay for, it's about as much as I would have spent on a party. Well, maybe not. I'm not really into 'throwing' parties, so I probably would have bought some balloons and played free games and called it good. Thank goodness Kate didn't want that. I suck at parties. They are my cryptonite.

ANYWAY. Sheesh, I'm rambling. Chris and I took the girls to Chik-Fil-A for lunch first, she opened her presents over the ice cream cones included in their meals (see?) and then we went to Airborne. Chris stayed there, while I ran to Costco real quick. They actually got extra time, like 1/2 hour, and loved it. Here's the photo proof: I don't know why they are showing you their boots. Silly girlies.

Ignore the random guy in the back. See the tramps on the walls? They can bounce off them. It's pretty cool. 

Later that night we had the grandparents/cousins over for dinner to celebrate her and Chris' 43rd, which was 2 days earlier. 

And my sister sent her a Build a Bear gift card, that she used to get this bear-- she named him Nariko. Her middle name, because, you know, it's Asian, and so are Panda's...

She's our sweet Kate. I sure love her. Happy Birthday babe! 

Surgery

Blogging from the hospital today. Just a routine tonsillectomy/adenoidectomy for Kate. She's always had super big tonsils, and she snores, and may have a touch of sleep apnea, AND she seems to be constantly battling a cold. I think having RSV as a newborn didn't help her immune system any-- but we're hoping with this surgery, she'll sleep better and not get sick so much. Fingers crossed!

Kate has been a trouper. A little nervous for the last few days, didn't want to talk about her surgery, but pretty good. This morning she's doing fine. They gave her a little doll that she colored the face on, and her own blanket that she gets to take home-- that helped. The nice 'child life specialist' came in and explained all the machines, tubes and procedures, and left her w/ crayons and markers, her favorite pass time. Kate took it all in stride. She's happily watching Disney TV and coloring now-- waiting for them to come get her.

I'm headed straight to the cafeteria once she goes. I didn't eat this morning, since Kate couldn't. What is it about NOT being able to eat that makes you ravenous? I frequently go half the day without eating, but if I CAN'T eat, like when I'm fasting, I'm starving!

Ok, I'm back. That cafeteria food sucked. I feel slightly sick.

Doc came in and said Kate was all done, and that her tonsils were HUGE. Biggest he'd ever seen. That will make her recovery worse though, as there were lots of blood vessels that had to be cauterized. I hope she does well.

Nurse just said she's coming back to the room. Time to put on my nurse/mommy hat.

She's groggy, but drank some apple juice. I found her this little bear at the gift shop. She's the stuffed animal collector. Poor thing. Something about seeing your child in a hospital bed, drugged, vulnerable just tears at your heart.

In a couple of hours we'll be on our way home, via the drug store. I have a feeling pain killers are going to be key in this recovery! I love Lortab! LOL. I have a big bottle at home from my toe, I feel better just knowing I have it. LOL. I'm crazy aren't I? This is what comes from being a big woos. My world is a better place when I have a pill to stop the pain!

Enough about me. Kate is doing well. I'm sure it will get worse before it gets better though, as I hear day two is killer. She has one more week off track, and hopefully she'll be back to normal by then.

Ah, here's Chris with my Jamba juice.

Signing off from the Riverton IHC Hospital!

*note from home: Kate has been puking a lot. Like 4 times. Poor girl. Can't imagine how much that hurts. Hopefully just the anesthesia working it's way outta her system, and she'll be over it soon. She hasn't had anything to eat all day, as she feels to icky to eat. 

Piano Recital

Tess and Kate did their Spring recital last month. I'm just getting around to putting up these vids. Probably only family and their teacher will care to watch. They both did well. Tess especially is getting to be quite good, already surpassing my skills (which have sadly fallen way behind).

Kate's Big Day

Kate wearing the 'family' baptism dress. 

Just before her baptism

Kate was excited all day to be baptized. She wrote "I feel AWESOME!" in her remembrance book. She chose to be baptized in a dress, and then changed into Tess' baptism dress afterwards. She was showered with love and gifts from family, friends, and her school teacher (who is a saint), and loved every minute of it. I asked her if she felt different when we were leaving the stake center, and she said, "Yes!" Chris gave a wonderful confirmation blessing. I wish I could remember it word for word, but you know, I've got Mad Cow disease. I'll ask him if he can remember it. Afterwards we went up to my Mom and Dad's and had dinner with all the family. About 30 of us. It was nice to sit and visit. Kate is a pretty great kid, and we are so blessed to have her in our family. We love you Kate!

Kate is Eight, isn't it GREAT?!

Oh I make myself laugh sometimes with my witty jingles... no? hmmm...

It's bizarre to me that Kate is 8 already. Eight is a big one at our house, you:

1. Get your ears pierced (if you want that is. Luke passed.)
2. Get a special date w/ just Mom and Dad
3. Get BAPTIZED!
4. Get your own scriptures, complete w/ embossed name
5. Get THE talk.
6. Get to start babysitting(short periods of time)

It's a lot to take in.

Since it's been nearly 4 years since I've had an eight year old, this birthday kinda snuck up on me, and now I'm running around trying to get things done last minute. At least I'm not in charge of this baptism. That would be too much.

So we took Kate out to the Pizza place of her choice, where we 'primed' her for 'the' talk. We gave her a few little gifts-- as her ears had been pierced the day before, and then headed home where chocolate cake was brought over by super great neighbors/friends (Thanks Dave!) and TO DIE FOR Chocolate Peanut Butter Ice cream pie from Coldstone from my SIL (Thanks Les!). Needless to say, we're in chocolate overload right now.

After putting the little kids to bed, we hit the couch to watch NOVA's The Miracle of Birth. You know the one. We all watched it in 10th grade science class, right? It ends by showing a baby crowning? Remember now? I can still hear the "Oh GROSS!" and "That's just wrong!" and other miscellaneous snickers from fellow classmates. I remember thinking, 'No WAY am I EVER going to do THAT!'

Anyway, when Luke found out what we were planning to do, he objected strongly. "MOM! I didn't even know what you were talking about! I thought it was a metaphor!"

Does anyone wonder if this 14yo understands what a metaphor is? I don't think he can remember back 6 years to know what he thought, because when we had the talk with him, believe me, he was totally un-impressed. Didn't even seem to get it. Tess, on the other hand was completely embarrassed.

So what was Kate's reaction?

"That is totally gross!"

Other than that, not much. Just watched and sucked on her fingers.

Sigh. Oh well. It's as much as we could hope for right? At least her reaction makes me confident that she at least understood the mechanics of the whole thing.

Tess and Luke watched with us, for a 'refresher course'. Tess was just as embarrassed, and giggled through the whole thing. It was good to have a private chat with her afterwords about how menstruation plays into the whole ordeal.

Luke refused to talk about it- before- after- or during. That's the problem with waiting too long to have 'the talk'. Age may mean more understanding, but it certainly does close doors of communication. Unless your teen is extremely open, which apparently, Luke isn't...

Anyways, the subject has been broached, and hopefully the kids know that they can talk to us about 'it' whenever their curiosity gets the better of them. Hopefully.

Parenting is a HOOT, isn't it?

Mary Poppins

After my friends rave review, I decided to bite the bullet and fork out the money to take the girls to Mary Poppins. It was my birthday present to myself. I found a deal on Travel Zoo, and got 4 tickets.

The show was entertaining for sure, but had a much different story line than the old movie, so the girls were a bit confused. There was the evil nanny of Mr. George Banks' youth, and Jane and Michael were total brats at the beginning of the show, reversing course by the end. They took out some of the best parts of the old movie, like the escapade into the sidewalk chalk painting- with the penguins and horse race, replacing it with statues come to life in the park, and a conversation shop where they learned the word Supercalifragilisticexpialidotious.  The laughing/floating Uncle scene also got axed. Arguably, these scenes would have been hard to do on stage with live actors.

Tess used her binoculars quite a bit during the show

They did have some excellent special effects though, Burt walked up one side of the stage, tap danced upside down across the ceiling, and then walked back down the other side. At the end of the show, Mary Poppins floats over the audience and lands on the Mezzanine. It was impressive, even though you could see the wires. The kids loved it.

Ella was ready to go by intermission, and Kate kept kicking the chair in front of her, annoying the chairs occupant, but other than that, they were pretty good. There were so many kids in the audience, that their misbehavior was hardly noticed. And to be fair, it was nearly 3 hours long, I should have guessed Ella couldn't sit still that long.

Over all, a fun Mom and daughter date, and well worth getting out of school early!

I got told to put my camera away after taking this shot. Party Pooper! 

Outside the theater, this 'art' exhibit. We called it, "A flea takes a stroll on a hairy dog". 

New Blog

I decided to start another blog to record our journey w/ dyslexia. From now on, I'll be posting about our day to day experiences with Kate over here:

http://motherofadyslexic.blogspot.com/

It's not private. You can visit anytime, if you have any desire to do so. The first couple of posts are copied from this blog. If you know of anyone who has a dyslexic child, they may find it interesting.