Halloween 2012

 Dinner... I DO sometimes make an effort... rarely...

Kate decided that since we moved, she had a new audience for last years costume, updated only w/ a new DI jumper. Anyone remember Pippy Longstockings?! Only the old people seemed to get it. *sigh*

Zeke went as his second choice, Bob the Builder. He had his heart set on Darth Vader, but I didn't know how to do that w/o a huge mask, and knew he wouldn't wear one.

Ella wanted to be Laura Ingalls. Again, we had to explain her costume a bit. Her auntie's made her pioneer get up, it's really awesome. She would be all set for Trek-- if she were old enough.

 Zeke only did a few houses w/ his sisters before heading home to slam the door into the faces of the trick-or-treaters with a maniacal laugh. He's slightly deranged at times. lol. The girls stayed out for 2 more hours, only coming home when their buckets could literally hold no more. One good thing about high density housing-- lots of doors in a small area! Let the stomach aches begin. Well, except Kate only has one day before her tonsillectomy to gobble hers down!

Tess, Luke and Chris went to the traditional cousins over 12 Halloween party, which starts out with Baptism's for the dead (apropos, right?) and then ends with dinner and the candy game at a rich cousin's mansion. They have a good time, do some good, and most of all, don't annoy people who hate to see teens trick or treating. Like me. I turned off the lights once I had 5 teen groups in a row. No more little kids? We're done. I'm just mean like that. 

Family Dies in Sleep

2 nights ago, our CO alarm in the basement went off at 12:30am. They are apparently linked throughout the house, because one on the main floor and one upstairs went off too. I had to shake Chris to wake him up! Man, that guy can sleep through anything! In fact, Luke and I were the only ones who woke up. That's a bit disconcerting right there...

Anyway. Chris shut them off and came back to bed. I said, "Was it a false alarm, or are we all going to die in our sleep tonight?" They went back on. He went to the basement and cleaned it out, thinking maybe the construction dust set it off? Then he checked the furnace, and the fireplace-- for what I don't know. How do you detect a CO leak? The alarms! How do you know if the alarms are mis-firing? There have been reports of other fire/CO alarms in the neighborhood going off at all hours of the night. Something about faulty alarms used by the builders around here.... I racked my brain to remember the yahoo group posts on the subject. Maybe we just got bad ones too. But what if they were working properly?

Chris woke up all the kids-- you know, to make sure they were ALIVE! Then he decided to stay up for a while to see if he got 'loopy'. He watched a movie. I lay in bed stressing out. Am I feeling drowsy? Wait, I'm just tired, or AM I? What if my brain in slowly dying as more and more CO attaches itself to my red blood cells? What does CO poisoning feel like?

It was the longest night ever. Add Zeke to the bed, bc Chris woke him up, and it made for a very sleepless night.

We SHOULD have gotten everyone out of bed, called the fire department, and waited on the porch for them to arrive. But we were JUST SO TIRED. But we survived. I guess it was just the dust.

ARGH!

Parenting 101-- What NOT to do

I don't think it'll come as any big surprise to any of you that Ella is my 'difficult' child. I have not been quiet on this matter. She's my child that seems to have come from another world. I don't understand her. I don't know how to parent her. She was driving me crazy pretty much since birth, whether it was her climbing, or her food facials, or the fact that we had to duct tape her diaper on or we'd wake up to poop smeared walls. She needs attention 24/7. She demands it. It's exhausting. She's loud and in-your-face and defiant. She says things like, "Kick him in the nuts!" (to one boy of another) and to the whole family at the dinner table,  just last night, "Tess is fat!" Me: "ELLA!" Her: "What? She's chubby!"
She has no filter. Wait. That sounds familiar, I guess she's more like me than I want to admit.

Regardless, this is how I see her.

Chris sees her differently: She's going places. She's a powerhouse. She's going to move mountains. I was JUST like her when I was little (really?!).

He reminds me of her baby blessing, where she was told she would preach the gospel to many nations. MANY nations. (We named her Chieko, after one of my favorite RS GA's, Chieko Okazaki, a power house of a woman, who DID proclaim the Gospel to many nations--- only we picked out that name before her blessing obviously. Coincidence?)

From that alone, I should have realized I had a special child on my hands, but because I'm constantly cleaning up after her, scolding her, or being embarrassed by her, I find myself not *liking* her. Love her, yes, of course, but like her? Not so much.

I know. I'm the worst mother ever. A good mother would never *think* that thought, let alone proclaim it out-loud to cyberspace.

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A few nights ago, Ella told Kate, "Mom hates me."
"No she doesn't. Sometimes she just gets mad at you."
"No. She hates me."

And now you know my secret torment that I've carried around this last week.

I'm such a horrible mother that my own child is convinced I hate her.

I wasn't going to blog this. Believe me, I was just too ashamed of myself to put it out there. But, I can't ever seem to let go of anything until I write it down. It's almost like I can't make sense of my emotions until I see it in black and white. The telling of a thing, is my own brand of therapy. The way I make sense of my inner world. I don't understand my thoughts and emotions until I write it all down, get it all out of me in a cohesive, coherent form. Maybe I feel like I need to confess my deepest darkest thoughts too. Why? I have no idea. It's all my therapist's fault for telling me I could figure it out on my own!

One thing I know for sure. I'm mortified. And shocked that I could unknowingly be so unkind to her. I really thought I treated her the same as the others. I really did. Yes, I yell at her more often, but yelling is yelling, and all my kids get yelled at. Equally, I thought. I didn't think there was a difference in the way I expressed my anger towards her vs. the others.

Obviously, that's not true. Obviously, she has sensed my animosity towards her. I mean, I don't hate her, that goes without saying. I just don't 'get' her. And she frustrates the hell out of me, because I feel like I'm failing her, by not being able to find a way to parent her that makes her 'behave'.

Listen to me. I'm mad at her because she makes me feel like a bad mom. It's ridiculous. Just who is the adult anyway?

I've made a huge effort these last few days. I've tried not to yell at her at all. I've tried to keep my voice calm and level. I've spent more one on one time with her. Listened to her more. Talked to her more. I haven't succeeded 100%, but here's the kicker, the more outward patience I've shown her, the seemingly worse she's gotten. Like she's realized she can get away with more now.

Did you notice the word 'outward'?

I need inward patience. Children, like animals, can sense fear I guess. Fear, or insincerity? Is that it? I have to change not just my outward reaction to her, but my inward reaction. And that has not yet happened. I still react inwardly the same. She's still the difficult child, I'm just putting a smile on my face and speaking softer.

She's not fooled apparently.

The Gospel tells us that the way to love another person is to serve them. I'm trying to do that. I'm spending more time with her, trying to serve her in the way that she needs it-- by giving her more of my time and attention. Not easy with 5 kids, and until now, I've never consciously had to focus on just ONE of my children. I've never had to single one out like this. Maybe I resent her for that too. That I have to give her more, and therefore, less to the others? I don't know.

Parenting is not easy is it? I think I've got a few lessons learned and then WHAM! I get blind sided by this.

Live and learn? Life is about learning. Parenting, I've decided is more about what I'm learning, than what I'm teaching my children. It's a refining process for me. Us. For parents. Maybe more so for me though... anyone else have these thoughts? No? Don't tell me. I don't want to know that I'm the only one  that is so heartless to their own flesh and blood.  (And don't leave comments that are all, 'you're doing a great job-- don't be so hard on yourself.' I deserve this thrashing, and I'm not looking for pity. Diana, I'm talking to you, but I love you for always being my cheerleader!) 

I need to figure this out before I destroy her. Oh! That makes me sick. Heart sick. How could I be so awful to her? When you hold your newborn for the first time, you think in your heart, I  will love this child unconditionally forever! But then they grow a mind and will of their own, and you realize that -- wait a minute-- this is not what I expected love to feel like! It's just. plain. hard.

I hope and pray it's not too late for me to change-- and that I am capable of this change. Ella really is a beautiful child with a special mission on this earth, and I know deep down that the personality traits that make her a difficult child, will turn into her biggest strengths as an adult... if I don't quash her spirit before she becomes one.

Pray for us!

* and I will make sure she never reads this post -- in case you're worried *

Who's been playing with my camera?

Zeke and Annie were playing in the bathroom a little too long yesterday. When I finally got around to investigating, I found my camera on the floor. 

Me: Zeke, were you taking pictures with my camera? 

Zeke: No! It was Annie! 

Hmmm....has surprisingly long arms...

We should rename these two Bonnie and Clyde. Or Mr. and Mrs. Trouble. 

At least they haven't tried to get naked since the snow came. That's something...

The Other Woman

This year, Costco had all these lovely bulbs for like $10/100. I guess I was thinking of some other woman, one with tons of ambition, when I bought 400 of them. I also forgot that digging 400 6'' deep holes in the world's WORST soil (aka: rocks and clay) would be a total nightmare. 

I put it off, and put it off, I mean, the bag said I could plant into November... but every time I passed those bags in the garage, I heard that little voice inside my head, "You spent good money on those flowers. Are you just going to let them die in the garage?" Yeah, my little voice is really good at guilt trips.  

I finally got out and did about 100 over UEA break. My hands were blistered and raw in one hour. The next day, I did about 150 more, and transplanted a bunch of other plants to where 'they should have been planted in the first place'. My back ached. I said to myself, "Self. This is a good effort. Let's call it quits for the day." Fully meaning to get out the next day and do the last bunch. 

And then we woke up to this. Ugh. 

(notice the fence going in? our neighbor finally decided to do it, too bad we spent all the fence money on the basement! lol) 

Unless it warms up considerably, I think I'm done. I'll be disappointed come Spring, when one side of my yard is lacking in tulips, but for now--- I'm just fine with being done. Turns out, I'm NOT that other woman. But then, I think I already knew that...

Super Hero Phase

Zeke is officially in costume mode. He's been dressing up every day since I got down the costume box. He loves these capes that my neighbor made for her boys. One side is Batman, the other, Superman. SO cute. I need to make him one, but I'm soooo lazy....

I love it when he mixes his costumes. Yesterday, he had on Bob the Builder hat, Batman wings, and his light saber tucked in his pants. He's the superhero that can fly, cut off  the bad guy's arm and fix your porch all in one swoop! 

Don't go Annie!

Yesterday Zeke and Annie had a tiff. This happens daily, but sometimes, Annie is less patient with him. She got mad and said, "I'M GOING HOME!", then proceeded out the door.

Zeke was distraught. He wanted me to stop her. I said, "Go tell her you're sorry, and ask her to come back."

He ran to the porch and yelled down the street after her, "I'm sorry Annie! Don't go!" 

She huffed her way home anyway. She can be quite melodramatic. It's hilarious. 

Skinner Box

Luke has always known that the games on his iPod were nothing more than an elaborate Skinner Box. Yet, he continued to waste his allotted 30 min/day in playing these games-- more, if he could get away with it.

3 days ago, he excitedly told Chris, "Dad! I just got to ___ level! I did ____ and then I got ____ and it was so hard, but I did it, and now I have this many ____. "

To which Chris responded, "Luke. That is SO messed up. You didn't DO anything and you don't HAVE anything. It's all made up crap."

Luke's face fell. He pondered this statement for about 30 seconds and then said, "You're right. I'm erasing all my games right now."

And he did.

I continue to be impressed with this child's maturity. These games are so addictive for our children, and yet, EVERYONE is playing them, how can you say no? Even Zeke will grab my iPod and play Legos for a few minutes. His attention span is pretty short, so it's not a big deal, but will it be, later on? Sigh. We limit the time spent on 'gaming' to 30 min. a day and hope for the best. I think Luke came to the right conclusion and chose the best.

He's started studying Gospel Essentials and Preach My Gospel in his spare time, to get ready for his mission. I'm glad he won't be one of those missionaries in the MTC who are going through gaming withdrawal. Isn't that just SO pathetic? What has our society come to? Ugh.

Anyway, now we just have to convince Tess that games are a waste of time...

Remember life before these games? Remember the first Atari? No? Man I feel old. We just used to PLAY outside with our friends for entertainment. A stick and some dirt, that's all we needed to have fun for hours. Those were the days.

The girls are on track break. It's been 5 hours. My house is trashed, they are bored, their friends are all on different tracks... we may not survive the next 3 weeks...

Stop and Smell the Dandelions

I tend to see the bad side of things more than the good. It's a problem, I know.

Case in point: Zeke came in the house yesterday and handed me a dandelion, not the yellow flower, the white puff ball. Of course I'm allergic to them, so when he said, "Here Mom. This is for you." I went, "AH! Don't bring these in the house!" And quickly threw it in the garbage.

Come to find out, that same day, he picked another dandelion, went down to Annie's and rang the doorbell. When Annie's dad answered, he handed him the dandelion saying, "This is for Annie's mom." Her mom later texted me that info-- followed by " Awww... heart melting."

It never occurred to me to see his gesture as sweet until Sunny did so.

What is wrong with me? He's going to be all grown up soon, and I'm MISSING the best parts!

My goal for this week: To live IN the moment!

This Little Piggy Cried Wee Wee Wee....

About 3 weeks ago, the big kids and I were out back. Luke was impressing us w/ his handstands. The subject of cartwheels came up, and it was implied that I was too old to do one. Of course I had to prove them wrong. Just as I started my world class cartwheel, Luke walked into my space and I kicked his shoulder w/ my foot.  I broke/sprained/dislocated my toe, I don't which. I didn't bother to go see, because what do they do for broken toes? Nothing. I just tried to go easy, limping (who knew your toes were so integral to normal walking?) for weeks. It never seemed to heal.

It was still bothering me yesterday, when I accidentally kicked Kate's heel w/ said toe. I fell to my knees w/ intense pain, tears springing to my eyes instantly. I may or may not have seen stars. I definitely cussed like a sailor. It hurt. Bad. Closer examination showed the toe was now bent away from my big toe at an odd angle, was swelling and starting to bruise. It took 800 mg. of Ibuprofen and 1 Lortab to be able to breathe normally. It has to be broken if it hurts this bad right? Doing nothing last time didn't serve me very well, so I bit the bullet and paid the $50 to go see Dr. Brinton, our ward orthopedist.

My concern was the unusual angle, and that to push it back to normal caused severe pain. I don't want it healing all crooked. Call me vain, but I've always been rather proud of my feet, and didn't want my chances of being a future foot model, dashed by this unfortunate accident. *snicker* I'm totally kidding. Even though it might be a great gig, it seems ridiculous. This whole thing seems ridiculous. I'm limping around like a gimp and all because of one dumb toe!

Anyway, the doc said it's definitely broken. In fact, it was broken 3 weeks ago, and had started to heal, but kicking Kate, broke it again, worse. I didn't want a crooked toe, so he numbed me up and yanked on that little piggie till she was straight again. I've got a new Rx of Lortab for when the anesthetic wears off. I know it's gonna kill. Now I'm sporting an awesome post-op shoe, but,  I have straight toes again.

Ah. The little things we take for granted... toes. Who knew?

Photo Gallery

These are some of the great shots my BFF got when they visited back in July. I'm just getting around to it... 

This and That

Ella finally lost a tooth, then another one the next day, but she must have swallowed it, bc she didn't know when it fell out... I didn't check to verify this however. I was very proud of the tooth fairy. She came the first night! 

Well, 2 out of 4 is not bad. 

Brigham City Temple Open house. I took the girls and Zeke out of school and went up. It is a beautiful temple that reminded me of the older ones (St. G, Manti, SLC)

Across the street from the temple, the Brigham Tabernacle... I think.

We are truly blessed to live in the midst of so many temples. When my BFF was here, she was amazed at how close we are to the Oquirrh Mountain Temple, and said, "Do you go every week?"

To which I had to admit, no. I don't. I'm still stuck at my once a month routine. But she's right, since I can literally WALK to the temple-- I should be going every week. Zeke is my problem right now, but that's just an excuse. I'm sure I could get someone to watch him. 

Tess has late start school on Fridays. She has been getting herself up at 6:30am to go do baptisms for the dead. The first time she came back, I was like, "I thought you were in bed, where were you?" I was quite surprised that she took the initiative to go to the temple by herself. I said, "They let you in alone?" To which she rightly replied, "I have a recommend Mom!" 

Duh. See why she's our favorite? 

Happy Birthday ZEKE!!!

My baby is 3. The official end of toddlerhood right? Now he's a full fledged little boy. No more babies or toddlers at this house. Can't say I'm sad. Babysitting my 6mo niece reminded me that I'm OVER the baby stage! Even though she's a good baby, she's still a BABY, and they require SO much work! 

Anyways, back to Zeke. He's a funny kid. Quite obsessive about things. His latest obsessions are Star Wars and  Bob the Builder. Guns have been neglected for light sabers, of which, he got TWO for his birthday. I was going to take one back, but he insisted on keeping it, so he can have fights with someone else. He also picked out these Star Wars action figures, complete w/ miniature light sabers, and wouldn't leave the store without them. He calls them his 'guys' and carries them around in his little lunch pail. When he grabs Darth Vader he starts singing, "Dum dum da dum da da dum da da dum" He gets the melody wrong, but it's funny nonetheless. At dinner tonight, he had Luke Skywalker in one hand and said, "Darth Vader, your mine!" and then made light saber noises while he cut off Darth's arm. Obviously, he watches Star Wars every day.  

Bob the builder outfit, thanks Auntie Brooke, this is going to be his halloween costume.

We had cake and ice cream at Grandma's. He shared his cake w/ Grandpa, who turned 66 on the 4th. Happy Birthday Dad. Cousin Myles turned 5 on the 1st, and Aunt Brooke is 37 on the 10th. October is birthday central for the Nakaya clan.

Today, I took him and Annie to McDonalds to celebrate his actual birthday. I love 3 yo's. They're so easy to please.

Happy Birthday Zeke! We love you!

Boise ID

I'm in blogging from Boise! Zeke and I are here helping my brother out w/ his 4 kids while my SIL is in NZ at her brothers wedding. Mom was supposed to come, but her hip replacement recovery is not going as well as she'd hoped. Driving to ID and babysitting 4 kids on Oxycodone, was not really a good idea. Luckily, my family has a very slow week, so the only thing I'm really missing is Tess' YW in Excellence night. Chris is getting the girls off to school in the mornings, Luke is making their lunches, Tess is home before them and helps w/ the homework and makes sure the practicing is getting done. Really, they hardly need me... hmmm... Anyways, It worked out great, and Mom needs more time to recuperate.

Sunday was crazy. I had choir practice at 10 am. Then I had to cover a Primary Program for my stake calling at 10:50. Teach nursery at 1. Then we ALL had to speak in Sacrament at 2:50 (wrote the better part of 4 talks for that) then in-laws and parents for dinner, then I threw my bags in the car and headed for Idaho. I don't know I managed to pick the most boring book on tape ever for my drive, but it barely kept me awake till my 10:30pm arrival time. But we made it, even w/ though the gas light had been on for the last 20 miles. lol. Chris hates it when I do that. I was determined not to stop though. And I made it...

Yesterday I met an old friend from Vegas for lunch. She and her hubby were going to dental school back then. When we left Vegas they still had a year to go, and 2 kids. We had 3. Now we both have 5 and his dental practice is up and running in Boise. It was great to catch up. I know I say it a lot, but I really miss all my friends, and wish I could transport them all to South Jordan. It's the little things, like going to the General RS meeting by yourself, when you wish you had a friend to sit by....sigh. I just need to make new friends. Again.

Zeke and his cousin Takeshi are getting along famously. It's really fun to watch them play together. I worried Zeke would be missing Annie this week, but I dare say, he's not even thought about her. Typical male eh? LOL. Her mother just texted me to say that "the Zeke withdrawals are painful!" Poor Annie.

On a totally unrelated note...

I just finished reading the Uglies series by Scott Westerfeld. Tess brought it home from school, so I hurried and read ahead of her (I like to know what my kids are reading) and then it was so good, I had her get the next 3 books so I could read them. I HIGHLY recommend them. The books are fun, and grab your interest right away, but they also have some really good discussion topics in them. Cosmetic surgery, societal pressure, government control, self esteem, pop culture, mind control, environmental issues... really, there's so much in them that would make for a great discussion w/ your teen.

Anyway... I'm just bored really... this post has no point... have a good week in New Zealand Melissa!!!