A bit more on the subject...

I have all these cute, upbeat, NORMAL posts just waiting to post as soon as I attach the photos/video. Alas, most of them are on Chris' phone and I keep forgetting to download them.

Soooo, in the meantime, while I'm being so 'introspective'--thanks to therapy, I thought it would be a good idea to record my journey through hell. In case anyone needs a road map in the near future. Not that my path is the one to follow, granted, but you know, maybe, it might be of some use, to someone.

The day after our huge fight, I felt icky. I don't know how to explain it better. I was having crazy thoughts, that I was pretty sure weren't really mine, so who's were they? Ah. Them again. My own personal demons. This may be a new/freaky concept to some, so I'll try to explain it as I see it--- I think there are spirits in this world that are trying to drag us down. I think they can and do attach themselves to us. I personally have felt their presence, while not being consciously aware of them until later. Now, I'm not saying I've been, or am, possessed by them. While I believe in that as well, I don't personally think I have ever been possessed. I like to think that I'm not weak enough to fall victim to that kind of crap. That being said, I do think they follow me around sometimes, whispering in my ear/head. I think many of the crazy thoughts I have, actually come from them.  I don't know if all mental illnesses have this in common, but I think a lot of mine do. I wrote about this a little after my breakdown following Zeke's birth. Actually, no I don't think I did. I can't find a post about this. So let me sum it up:

When I started to have suicidal thoughts, thoughts of leaving my children and driving to Texas, I knew I needed help. That was 'far out' even for me. I resolved to check myself into the psych ward. But first, I called my Energy therapist and had an hour long session with her. In it, it came up that I did in fact have 3 dark spirits attached to me, trying to drag me down. I was devastated. What had I done to attract them I asked. What sin had I committed to bring this company upon me? She told me that she felt very strongly that my children were very important. They had a great mission to accomplish on this earth, and the adversary knew that the surest way to destroy them, was to destroy me.

Alright, everyone take a deep breath now. If you're thinking I'm/this is even crazier than you thought, well, I get it. This is weird stuff. Stuff we don't like to think about as we're driving to soccer practice or the gym. I get it. If you feel like you need to stop reading this post, that's fine. I won't feel bad.

So back to my story, there are ways to 'shoo' these spirits away. If you're religious, you can probably think of a way. If you believe in Energy healing, you can think of another way. Suffice it to say, we got rid of them. I felt lighter and brighter immediately. I could instantly see the craziness of my previous thoughts. I could tell right away that I was back in the saddle, running my own show.

So, problem solved right? I was mentally stable again. Hurray. Oh, except that, THEY can come back. Not because I deserved them-- necessarily (who knows?) but because that is THEIR mission in this realm, to destroy us.

Leading up to this fight I had started having some illogical thoughts again.


My husband is a jerk. He hates me. He hates our life. He never loved me. He's just been tolerating me for 20 years. I deserve more. I can do better. I don't have to be this wife/mother/maid/cook/chauffeur-- I can have my OWN life--without them!  


In my 'sane' moments, I would think, "Kristin! That's crazy talk. You have the life you always wanted. The one that is the most important. You have what a lot of women would kill to have!" In my insane moments, I wanted out. Through any means possible.

Fast forward to our 'altercation'. I had been having more crazy thoughts. More thoughts that were definitely NOT helping our marital state. After the fight, I needed some peace- from the whisperings in my head. I knew where I could go to get away from them. Somewhere they couldn't follow me. So off to the temple I went. Once I stepped through the doors, I knew it was 'just me' again. I could analyze my current situation free of their filters. Problem was, I was still angry. I was still prideful. I still had a problem that I wasn't quite willing to take the blame for.

I came home and Chris and I ignored each other for the rest of the day. He went to bed early and I decided I needed some extra guidance. I went to lds.org and started scrolling through the conference talks. E. Uchtdorf's talk on Mercy seemed to jump out at me. So I watched it. Twice. We all get something different from these talks, but this is what I got: STOP IT! Just stop the blaming. Let Christ's mercy work for me and for him. I knew that what I needed to do was to forgive. And not just Chris. I needed to forgive myself.

I realized that all my blaming had it's center in self-justification. In order to justify my own behavior/thoughts, I had to make Chris the bad guy. If he wasn't the bad guy, then I had to be, and that was just too hard to swallow. Now, I'm not saying he didn't have his part in this, it takes two to tango after all, but HE wasn't MY problem. I was MY problem. That's what I finally 'got' after my day of introspection. I needed to forgive myself. Ask for forgiveness. Forgive Chris.

Honestly, forgiving Chris was easy. It was forgiving myself that was hard. When I really started looking at the situation honestly, and seeing MY part in it-- well, it was crushing. When you think you're the good guy, all along, it sucks to realize that you're not. Sucks.

But, I got through it. I think I was brutally honest with myself for the first time, and after laying out all my crimes, I was able to ask forgiveness, and then forgive myself. Having that weight lifted from me, forgiving Chris was piece of cake. I went to bed knowing that I was in a good place, and that if Chris decided to leave me, well, that was up to him. I was scared that he really would, but I knew that if it came to that, I had done all I could do. Me and the Lord-- we were square.

And then Chris woke up that morning hating me still, but decided to pray one last time before ending it, and low and behold, he had his own humbling experience. And then we had killer make up sex. The End.


LOL. You're thinking I'm even MORE crazy now than before, right?

It's alright. I can live with a little crazy. It's you totally sane people that scare me... ;)

My Therapist Said...

Well, I went to see a shrink today. Therapist actually. And in true Kristin style, I must tell all, since everyone here knows, I don't live my life in a vacuum, much to my husbands dismay sometimes...

So Chris and I had a HUGE fight 3 weeks ago. HUGE. Biggest fight ever. I was seriously thinking, 'This is it. It's over." That's how huge it was. But it's not over. It actually turned out to be one of the best things to happen to our marriage, as we are closer/better now that we have ever been. Sometimes you just need to 'duke it out', ya know? And the sex-- wow. It's AWESOME! TMI? LOL. Well, you should expect that out of me by now.

Anyway, I made the appointment to see the therapist pre-fight, as I knew I was spiraling down hill fast. After the fight, I obviously felt much much better, but I kept the appointment anyway. I go through this cycle with my craziness, where I feel crappy so I think, 'it's time to seek professional help', and then I start to feel better, so I think, 'nah, I'm FINE. I can handle life.' And then the cycle repeats. Ad nauseum.

Part of my problem has always been guilt. Do I really want to spend $100 for ONE HOUR of therapy? Am I really worth that much? My answer has always been NO! But this time, I think I finally realized, my mental health can, and does affect my entire family, and if I'm not worth it, THEY certainly are. So, we'll just have to be a bit poorer in order to keep me on my game.

My session today was great. This therapist came highly recommended by 2 good friends, and since I believe therapy is only as good as the therapist, I wasn't going to just pick someone out of the yellow pages and try my luck. It took me a while to get an appointment with him, which is also a sign that he's good/popular.

So what did I learn today? That I need a vent. I need to be able to voice my inner demons w/o the fear that others will think I'm horrible. In my therapist's words, "We all feel dark ugly feeling sometimes. So what? Welcome to the human experience. The problem comes when we can't get them out/move past them, and they fester inside us."

I think that is a large part of what has been happening to me this past 3 years, since I left my 'therapists/friends' in Cedar City. I didn't let anyone get that close to me in Bountiful. I knew we'd be moving on again, and it would be too painful to leave yet another set of girlfriends, so I kept my friends at arms length. I never really let them see my 'dark side'. LOL. Well, look what that got me. I nearly wrecked my marriage and went insane in the process.

I've said it before, I. NEED. FRIENDS. I need them. I need someone to complain too, someone who will take my side, someone who will let me just unload all my garbage and who will still love me when I'm done. Because it's not constant, complaining and moaning is not who I am, it's just what I need to do every once in a while. If you never have this need, then, well, I applaud you. But I'm not sure you're mentally healthy. Some women can vent to their husbands, but I've had the fear that if Chris saw that side of me, he'd run screaming from the room. So I talk to my friends when I need to vent. I'm going to try letting him see the dark side. We're in such a good place now, I think he can handle it. LOL. Let's hope so!

My 'assignment' this week is to keep a journal of all my negative emotions. After the moment has passed, I'm to write -objectively- about how I felt and how I handled the situation, always keeping in mind that Kristin is NOT the worst moments of my life, it's not WHO I am. My first entry will be about how I lost it with Luke when he sassed me about doing his dishes, and I accused him of being an ungrateful brat who obviously didn't appreciate his recent trip to disneyland and our contributions to that. *sigh* Well, objectively, I felt angry, and irritated at his attitude. Objectively, I handled it poorly. He's a teenager, not an adult. He didn't deserve that verbal thrashing. I should not have reacted to his piss poor attitude and kept my cool. I didn't. Oh well. Live and learn. Maybe next time I'll do better. Maybe not. But it's ok. If I was the perfect parent, I would have been translated by now-- right? Objectively, I am still a pretty decent mother, but I have my buttons, and I can and will work on them.

Maybe just knowing that I have to journal all my emotions/reactions will help me stay in control more often?

So back to friends. I have lots of friends, they are literally all over the place in several different states. I know I can always call on them. But it's not the same as having one down the street, who's kids play with my kids, who can take off for ice cream late at night. Proximity does make a difference unfortunately.

This ward has not felt like it was 'ours'. It was too big. We were just one of the many faces in the crowd. I didn't even know where to begin. It's being split this Sunday. I'll know who is going and who is staying. I'll be able to look around and find a few women that I think I could be friends with. My goal is to make a friend. Like I keep telling Tess, you only need ONE. One good friend to chat over the fence with, it makes women's lives so much more bearable.

And just to be clear, I did vent to several of my friends when this fight was going down, and without their love and support, I honestly don't think I would have made it through that ordeal. So thanks girls, you know who you are. Thanks for not judging me, and just being there to witness the dark side.

I don't know if I can recommend therapy yet. It's too soon to tell. I feel pretty good now. I just want to stay in this good place, and break the cycle. I'm hoping therapy can help me figure that out. Wish me luck.

Eclipse Party 2012

We spent the weekend in Cedar City (sans Luke and Chris). The 'official' reason was to see the solar eclipse. The 'actual' reason, was to see friends and GET A DECENT HAIRCUT! Why I can't find someone in the greater SL valley that can use a razor is beyond me. But I digress, the eclipse was nearly total if viewed in Cedar City. The best spot was actually 10 miles south of Cedar, but they said the difference was indistinguishable to the human eye, so we stayed in Cedar. All my old friends and their kids got together for a BBQ and thanks to another friend (Bonnie rocks!) we had enough solar glasses to view the eclipse safely. Here's the photo overload. 

of course Zeke found the marshmallow gun first thing...

The next generation. Our four families can repopulate the world w/ the exact girl/boy ratio. 

My friends.... sigh...

Ok, this was super cool, when the eclipse was total, these circles appeared everywhere the sun came through the trees, or your fingers if you held them in a grid pattern. It was neat. 

I did not take this picture, but this is what it looked like! 

We were SO glad to have a connection in the glasses area, it would have been lame w/o them. Thanks Bonnie!

So I have a new cut/color (only set me back $45 for both!) and I feel rejuvenated after seeing my friends and knowing that time and distance hasn't weakened the friendships. I need to start making friends here now... maybe after Sunday. They are splitting the ward (5th time in 5 years) on Sunday. Hopefully we'll be able to find our niche in the new ward. We haven't felt a part of this massive ward to this point, just another new face in the crowd. I can totally see how not having a calling can lead to inactivity.... ;)

Best Gift Ever

I never want my kids to spend their hard earned money on me-- and while I want some recognition (I can admit that), I can't ever justify asking for something on Mother's day. I know, I've got deep seated guilt issues... I'm usually perfectly happy with the chocolate bars they give me, but this year, Chris came up with a brilliant gift. See that? It's my love journal.

He and all the kids wrote me a special message, with the promise that  they will write in it once a week for me. So it's not the place for me to write my thoughts, but for them to write their thoughts about me. 

I LOVE IT.  Best Mother's day gift ever. 

***And a note on the ward gift this year-- raise of hands, who just wants chocolate? Not a pamphlet about the joys of Motherhood, which always leaves me feeling guilty and/or insecure, or a plant to nurture and eventually kill, just a little bite of chocolate, that's all we women really want, right? Men! Is it so hard? This year, I drug myself to church w/ a fever, just to see Tess publicly acknowledged for graduating from primary, and to hear my children sing in Sacrament meeting, and to get that *hopefully* chocolate ward gift. What happened? 

1. The Bishop forgot Tess 

2. There are so many freaking kids in this ward, and we were so far back, I couldn't see my darlings singing. 

3. There was NO gift. 

Seriously people? 

Come to find out, the RS was in charge of the gift, (again, really? the women have to come up with their own gifts? shame on the men-- SHAME!) and because I had left immediately after the first hour to go home and crawl back into my sick bed, I missed the gift given out in RS. 

I'm disgusted. Thoroughly. (and petty, apparently)

Self Image

Me to Luke after church: So I hear Rourke's little sister thinks you're super cute, Luke.
Luke from the backseat: Everyone thinks I'm cute Mom, you gotta get over it.

Me to Luke everyday: Luke, you NEED a hair cut. You can't even see outta those bangs!
Luke to me: I don't want it cut Mom, the girls all love my hair!

At least he's got a positive self image...  and he is pretty cute... in a dorky teenager kind of way...

I'm really proud of this kid. He's been super sensitive and kind to me and the kids these last couple of days. Really stepped up when I needed him. Thanks Luke.

Motherhood Defies Logic

I read this blog, the Power of Moms, have I mentioned that? Every day there is an essay on some aspect of Mothering. I always come away feeling a little better about my 'dull life'.

Yesterday was a hard day, so today, this essay, 'Motherhood Defies Logic', really struck a chord. I realized that I've been demeaning my own existence, and letting society tell me I was right in doing so.

When I feel I'm failing at my 'job'(Am I the only one?), I often turn to thoughts like this essay describes. Telling myself that I am better than, and deserve more than this mundane existence, somehow justifies the feelings of inadequacy and failure I think all mother's have at some point in their life (daily).

I realized *again* after reading this essay, that it is what I make it. If I feel it is a meaningless, mindless burden, it will be. If I take a minute to 'see the big picture' -- the meaningless, mindless tasks become part of the whole. A very worthwhile, eternally important whole. Being the best Mother I can be is the most important job I will ever do.

Being a mother is a job. The best job. The only one I want. I will be re-reading this essay frequently. It's a keeper.

Luke's Happenings

Luke bought himself a long board a few days ago. He's pretty stoked (wow, haven't used that word in 20 years.)

Every time we move, the new kids are into something that he MUST have. Last move, it was airsoft rifles. This time, it's long boarding.

He's pretty happy about his new board, and bends my ear about 'trucks' and 'bearings' and 'carving' every chance he gets. I find it amusing that he insists on telling me all the details about this new toy. I must be doing a good job of acting interested... I mean, showing my genuine interest.

I know, I should just be happy he still talks to us.

Zeke  of course, loves the 'ong bowd', and Luke is good enough to give him rides, standing between his legs, down the sidewalk. Pretty cute.

This ward has an awesome YM's program. They actually DO stuff-- not just play basketball. So far, he's worked on Merit badges, and gone to an amazing Youth conference that focused on genealogy/temple work. They recreated an Ellis Island experience for the kids, and he came home with this chart, that they pulled from FamilySearch.org. It's awesome. All our genealogy nine generations back, on both sides! I'm having it framed.

Luke's doing great. This move has been good for him.