Christmas Traditions

I grew up going to see the Nutcracker Ballet at Capitol Theater, not every year, but enough to establish a Christmas tradition. When we lived in Vegas, I wanted to continue it with Tess, so I took her to see the Vegas Ballet version(NOT nearly as good as BalletWest). She was four, and I was 8 month pregnant. The venue was in a casino theater, of course, and parking was in BFE. I swear it was at least a half a mile walk. Do-able when Tess was under her own locomotion, but since she fell asleep at intermission(what was I thinking taking her to the late show?), I had to CARRY her over Kate in my belly, that half mile back to the car. Waddling was in full swing by that point. I almost died. I thought about how funny it would be to read about that in the papers the next day, "extremely pregnant woman collapses in casino parking garage, found w/ 4yo daughter fast asleep in her arms..."

But I digress. My Mom has continued that Nutcracker for the girls of the family-- we go every few years. This year, Tess and Ella got to come (Kate wanted to stay home and play w/ her cousin). We met Mom and Aunts Brooke and Leslie in town and had a wonderful afternoon. It was Ella's first Ballet experience, and with her ADD, I thought she might have a hard time sitting through it all, but she did great. She didn't really start to fidget until the never-ending Pas de Deux of the Sugar Plum Princess. She's a big fan of Barbie Nutcracker, so she knew a different version of the story. She kept leaning over to tell me how they were 'doing it wrong'. Clara was really the Sugarplum Princess. The magician was really Grandfather Drosselmeyer, and Mother Buffoon was sure UGLY! and TALL!  Etc, etc. I thought it was pretty clever of her to be able to spot the differences. She also noticed staging things like how the snow fell in rows on the stage, and was intrigued by the mist and the see-through curtains. It's always fun to see familiar things anew through the eyes of a child. I thoroughly enjoyed having her there, despite the fact that she kept kicking my chair...

So Thanks again to Grandma for this years Nutcracker treat! Here's our official  photo:

The Flip Wink

Luke has turned into quite the Romeo, as evidenced by this conversation over breakfast yesterday:

Luke: I was winking at girls last night on temple square, when I realized I winked at the same girl twice. 

Chris: You were winking at girls?

L: Yeah. I like to make people happy, and girls love to be winked at.

C: Do you flip you hair too?

L: *snicker* No- the flip wink makes girls fall over. 

So then Luke demonstrated the 'flip wink', which is where he flips his head to one side, to get his hair out of his eyes, and then winks. It was hysterical to Chris and I. 

C: Wo. I think I feel a little woozy. I can see why that would make a girl fall over. 

Self esteem issues, he does NOT have. In fact, I think he may have the opposite problem. Egomania. But, of the two, I'd rather he have too much confidence. In any case, he's totally entertaining for us! 

Post Christmas Fizzle

Well, it's over. Or is it? My Mom is still planning a million activities for kids and adults alike, so I can never really tell when it's 'over'. I guess it's safe to say we Nakaya's party till New Years Shogatsu is over and done.

We still have a jumping(Kangaroo Zoo for the littles, Airborne for the bigs) outing for the kids, the traditional adults only meal at Market Street Grill, and cuzzies sleeping over till Saturday. It's all fun all the time around here!

I should post a few Christmas pics, but I don't feel like doing all that copying and pasting, so I'll just put on one for now-- the 'original' Nakaya's. This was Christmas Eve, after all the mayhem ended. I'm really grateful that my whole family gets along and we all like each other, and the kids all like each other. I know not all families are as lucky.

Hope everyone's Christmas was wonderful!

Are we in a Seinfeld Episode?

Last night, Chris and I went to see the MoTab Christmas Concert. We had to be in our seats 1/2 hr. early, or risk losing them to the stand by audience. The drive into Salt Lake took twice as long as usual. We took all the wrong turns and seemed to get stuck at every light. We went into the parking lot in the mall and got diverted into a restricted area due to the high traffic. We rushed into the elevator, too rushed. We didn't look around. Didn't take notice of the level we were on, or even the general area. Coming out of the elevator at ground level, I took a quick look at the numbers, to remember which elevator to get back in. 

We made it to our seats, the concert was fabulous. 

When we got back to the building we had exited from, the doors were locked. We couldn't get to our elevator. We wandered around and found another one, but once down to the level we 'thought' we had parked on, we couldn't find the car. 

We tried the next level. 

And the next.

We walked to different elevators and started the process again. 

And again.

We were wandering around lost JUST like in that Seinfeld parking lot episode where Jerry pees on a wall and gets arrested. The only thing missing was the goldfish in a bag. 

I finally went upstairs to try and find a way into that dang building, when Chris found the car, in the restricted area. 

FORTY FIVE MINUTES we wandered around that parking garage looking for our car. 

Are we getting old? 

Always check your level and column number people! That City Creek parking garage is the size of a small city! 

Actually, we vowed never to go into town during the holidays on a Friday night ever again. It's just not worth the hassle...

Disappointment

I'm supposed to be sitting in my hair stylists chair right now, getting the first decent hair cut in months, and then, off to witness the marriage of my dear friend, and then lunch w/ my Cedar BFF's. Only it started snowing. 

Cute Bonnie, finally found her prince!

The plan was to get up and drive to Cedar City at 6am today. It started snowing last night, the report said it would snow all night and all the next day. We've made that treacherous drive between Fillmore and Beaver in blinding snow storms a few times. It was scary every time. We may try, only to arrive too late, for the appointment AND the wedding. Worse case scenario, we go off the road and get stuck. 

We opted for the safe choice. 

But I'm in mourning now. 

I can't tell you how much I was looking forward to seeing my old friends again, sharing in Bonnie's joy, and getting a good haircut. 

Words can't express my disappointment. And to top it all off, it's been the worst morning. Good thing I'm back on my meds, or I may have jumped off a cliff today. 

(Congratulations Bonnie! Miss you! Love you! SO happy for you!)

Random Humor

How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. 
They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. 
But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! 
AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! 
IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...I'm sorry...what did you ask me? 

~~ Wife

Griswolds Christmas Funk

Chris and I drove down to Springville with our 'lights' on Saturday. We got a few strange looks and one enthusiastic honker, a beat up old 70's pick-up truck pulling a trailer full of junk.

Yep. We're P-O-P-U-L-A-R with the white trash contingent.

And, I have all my shopping/projects done. Done. I am so proud of myself I am tooting my own horn right here in the Blog-o-sphere! I crocheted 10 hats, 4 purses, 2 scarves and a turtle in a pear tree. Serious about the turtle. That's all my sweet Kate wanted for Christmas, either a turtle or an owl, crocheted by me. I love that girl. So easy to please. Except that the pattern was a little tricky and I ended up making that turtle 3 times before I got it right. Oh well.

I also just finished my photo book, and it WILL GET HERE IN TIME!

Ah. Sweet success.

My Mom asks for one thing every year, a few scrapbook pages of the kids to go in her photo album. That's it! Last year, I left it to the last minute, and then was so stressed out, I let the kids do their OWN pages. Yeah. Train wreck. I was hoping that the 'kids wanted to do it themselves' excuse would fly, but they were THAT bad, and I think I saw a slight grimace on my mother's face when she looked them over.

But NOT this year baby! This year, I did a photo book of our family trip to Lake Powell, and it looks all professional and everything, and I've been putting it off, but tonight, I was all, "This is it Kristin! Crunch time! Remember it takes time to print and ship! Get your a** off the couch and get moving!"

Well, something like that. Actually, did sit on the couch w/ my laptop to work on it.... But really, I think it's just the fact that I am feeling a lot more like my 'old' self. That self from 20 years ago, the one who had drive, and energy, and an appetite! I credit the anti-depressants.

Yes. You heard right. I'm back on.

I thought I was doing fine. I thought I was feeling better. My Energy therapy made such a difference in my emotional state, that I felt like I'd come through the worst of it. Problem was, I still had the brain fog. Then I read this book, which just happened to cross my path, The Edge Effect by Eric Braverman, MD. In it, he describes your brain chemistry, the 4 Neurotransmitters which rule our world, and which one you are dominant in, and deficient in. He has a test. You can take it for free here. I found out I am Dopamine dominant, not Serotonin, as I'd previously thought, and that I was deficient in all four NT. A score of 0-5 is mild, and can be fixed by diet and yoga and stuff. 6-15 is a moderate deficiency, try herbal remedies, or other alternative therapy. Over 15, call your Doctor, your brain is not going to be able to right itself w/o meds at this point.

Want to know my scores? 17, 17, 20, 15. Yeah. So THAT's why I can't think or keep an intelligent thought in my head for longer than 3 seconds. That's why I lost my stockings in my bathroom drawer. That's why I don't have energy to get off the couch most days. I am depressed.

Ok. I think I knew this. I just didn't want to go back on meds. Ok? There. I said it. I feel... embarrassed? I don't know. I'm a big proponent of drugs when you need them. I just don't like the fact that I need them. I was trying to talk myself out it, but in the end, this book mysteriously crossed my path, and made me realize my delusion.

The book also tells you which drugs are best for Dopamine dominant (and the others) people. And surprise, surprise, the 2 that have worked the best for me in the past were at the top of the list. I opted for the one that I remember having the least side effects, and *lied* to my doctor ( I told her nurse over the phone that I'd been on this med within the last 5 years, it's actually more like... 12) and she called in a Rx for me. No office visit. Just instant medication. Isn't our society grand?

3 days on those puppies and I feel at least 50% better. I'm hoping for a full recovery, but know that the brain takes time to heal from depression, so I'm cautiously optimistic. I'm still using my herbal/alternative therapies as well, because, heck, it can't hurt!

I'm never going off these drugs again. When I start telling you I'm weaning off them, STOP ME!!!

Merry Christmas everyone!
(you should have received my card by now. If not, it's lost in the mail. Tell me, I have extras.)

Merry Freakin' Christmas!

Chris and Luke did this to my car tonight. I came home w/ an extra set of Christmas lights I found at Savers, and before I knew it, they were out doing THIS!

Is it just me, or is this not slightly embarrassing/WT?

He says because my car has a plug, that can be turned off/on by a button, it's the perfect set up for lights. He actually thought he was doing me a favor. I think he's just trying to make up for the fact that he refuses to put up Christmas lights.

I now have the only car on the block lit by Christmas lights. The Griswold Christmas continues...

I LOL

I am nearly done w/ my shopping... YAY! Chris and I will be traveling to Cedar City on the 15th for our dear friend's wedding (love you Bonnie!). All my single friends are now happily hitched or engaged to become so. Makes me happy.

The best part about our trip down south (aside from the nuptials of course): A DECENT HAIRCUT!
I cannot tell you how happy I am.  I wish my stylist would move this way...

I have to speak on Sunday with the High Councilman. WTHECK? Do I look like a return missionary? Oh yeah, there are no return missionaries out here. The Stake is too young. In fact we have as many 0-2 year olds as we do 12-18 year olds. Church is NOISY out here in DayFake, as Chris likes to call it.

But I digress, I'm trying to figure out how to tweak my talk from last month to cover the Atonement... it's not working so well. I looks like it'll be a brand new one.

*Sigh*

I must need the study on this subject...

Oh, and funny thing Luke said, "Mom, we HAVE to get Christmas lights or we'll get kicked out of Daybreak!"

Yes, we are the only house on the block w/ no lights.

Merry Christmas suckers! My power bill is lower than yours! Nah nah na nah na!

A Griswold Christmas

The annual tree hunting event this year was a big hit, as usual.

The weather was great, the snow, not so deep, which is both good and bad, and the company-- awesome.

The Nakaya's from Boise joined us this year, even though they had no permit, it's really more about the bonding time w/ the cuzzies than the actual tree itself.

We had a snowball fight, ice breaking, snow angels, a boot misplaced into a freezing river (squelch, squelch), a chain saw, and 2 great trees, until one got a bad pruning job I hear. But not mine. Mine is perfect. The house is decorated and my crocheting projects are coming along. I'm feeling a bit Grinchy, but no more so than usual. It's just my usual, 'Why must Christmas be SO commercial!?' mood swing going on. I probably wouldn't care if there was no such thing as a budget. Alas, I still have to come up w/ gifts for kids who don't need and hardly even 'want' anything.

But I digress, this post is not a rant.

*Ahem*

And the #1 reason why this year my brother nick-named us the Griswold's....

Nothing like strapping your tree to the roof of your beater. And then closing the branches in the doors.

TA-DA!

A trailer full o' kids, and a coupla' trees

No one was safe from E and Luke's snow fight

Ethan obviously thought this was the best way across yonder babbling brook.

Zeke watching Chris wield the chain saw. No manual sissy saws for us this year! 

The Dru Nakaya clan, notice the 3 yo. Maybe they made a pact not to look at the camera?

Ryan Nakaya family

Takeshi loved the snow almost as much as the water at L.Powell

Not sure what Tess is thinking here...

Can you just hear him thinking? "This is gonna be AWESOME! Watch this!" *chuck-- crash!*

3 year olds

Trudging through snow is hard work

 Johnson family. Notice Zeke giving us his best side? He's anti-camera. 

 That's a good face

 No seat belts required

 Snow angels

And then it was off to the Kamas Cafe, for our notoriously ridiculously expensive lunch. 

But worth it, right?

FHE Gone Amuk

FHE is always unpredictable at our house. I used to think we were missing the mark if every time wasn't a big spiritual experience. I have since come to realize that our family is just not going to be 'that' family... ever.

Chris gave the lesson on gratitude, you know, to commemorate Thanksgiving. He asked each of us to go around and tell something we were truly grateful for. Here's the list:

Chris: Mom
Luke: Um, I don't know...
Tess: FOOD!
Kristin: Yarn, and trials (not that I want anymore!)
Kate: Books (Hallelujah!)
Ella: The toilet!! Ha Ha Ha! (...typical)
Zeke: GUNS GUNS GUNS AND MY LIGHT SABER!! (shouted while jumping up and down on the furniture like an orangutan in a frenzy)

We're a pretty uncouth lot I guess. Kind of shallow too...

Anyway, it was pretty much a night at the WWF from start to finish. Zeke was licking Chris' head at one point, with the kids in hysterics. Ella kept trying to draw the attention back to her by saying she was grateful for her belly button.

Reverent, we are NOT. *sigh* In fact, at one point, Luke actually started filming our little melee, so you can see for yourself what a typical Johnson FHE looks like.

And now you feel much better about your own family don't you? Your welcome.


After the closing prayer  Chris said, something along the lines of 'You kids are horrible' and left the room. To get away from it all.

I was surprisingly non-plused by it all. It's amazing how soothing a ball of yarn and a crochet needle can be...

3 Cheers for School!

Is it too much to ask?

Well, we made it. Our 3 week track break is FINALLY over!

Whew!

That was hard. For me. Because I'm not good with my kids 24/7. No one is surprised. I'm not even ashamed. My hat is off to those who like their kids around all the time. I'm just not that woman.

I LIKE having Zeke to myself. He's calmer. Gets into less trouble, unless Annie is here, and then it's trouble-pot-pie.

I got the whole house cleaned today. AND IT'S STILL CLEAN! It's like my own little Christmas miracle. I swear, 3 weeks, and the house was TRASHED. I just couldn't keep up with it. So I gave up. About 10 days in. It was getting pretty bad...

The girls were even excited to go back. They were bored. Stiff. 3 weeks off, with no friends to play with is just lame. Next year, I think we'll switch to whatever track the friends are on, despite how bad the schedule is.

Ahhh...

I *heart* school!

Ah... Winter...

I wasn't that happy to wake up to snow today. It's been SO warm lately, that I almost thought winter wouldn't come at all. However, being out here in So. Jordan, we get a lot less, so that's a bonus. I've said it before, snow is a bummer if you don't ski. This year, scraping together the funds to ski is going to be nigh well impossible, what with the basement, the fence, the root canal, and the tonsillectomy all vying for our financial attention.

*sigh*

Oh well, at least Luke is having fun....

He spent an hour building this today. Then he spent another hour yelling at all the kids NOT to knock it down.

It started out as a snowman, but ended up as... a hoodoo?

Depression... conclusion?

So I realized that I never really posted about what I ended up doing for my most recent bout of depression. If you'll recall, I had ruled out a shrink due to the cost, and was looking up my options in herbal therapy. Remember also, that I had felt a distinct 'NO' when I asked about doing my favorite, energy therapy.

Well, on my birthday, which is always a dismal day for me, I got a call from an old friend. We agreed to meet for lunch. She had a conflict. Would I mind going with her, and then we could eat? Sure. What was the conflict? She had agreed to an energy healing session with a friend of hers that was trying to get her certification, and so needed to do a certain amount of free sessions. FREE? Well, after the therapist was done with Jana, she asked, do you want me to work on you? HECK YA! I had a great session with her, she cleared a lot of bad energy, and long story short, I'm back to doing well!

I can only imagine the Lord's monologue here: "No, don't do energy therapy Kristin. It's $200 you don't have. Besides, my child Kathy will do the work for free next week."

And voila! I'm back.

I've said it before, but this form of healing works for me. No side effects, low cost (or free), and for about 6 months, I feel great. I wish I could say it worked permanently, but there must be lessons I need to learn from depression, that I can't seem to learn. *sigh*

I've also started some herbal supplements, namely a tincture containing St. John's Wort, chamomile, and fever few. I'm also taking all the Omega oils, and 5-HTP which both are supposed to help with brain chemistry. I started SamE, but discontinued that as it gave me insomnia and irritability. And, my friend who is an herbalist is going to let me take her herbal class free of charge, so I can learn to prepare my own herbs and save money. I'm hoping I can glean some other knowledge of herbal uses as well.

So there you have it. For me, Energy therapy is where it's at.

And as long as we're talking about me... I tripped over one of Zeke's flip flops last night, and I'm pretty sure I re-broke my toe.

Damn toe.

Euclid

His notebook looks a lot like this, except not in Greek.
Wait, no one can read it, so it may be Greek... 

Since Luke deleted all his games from his iPod (he still does some puzzle games, apparently) he's had lots of free time. He's been reading quite a bit, but Chris also got him started on Euclid.

I know. Euclid? Anyone even know who he is? The father of Geometry. At Chris' college, they didn't use textbooks, so to learn geometry, they actually read what Euclid wrote about it-- and then they worked out the proofs themselves. I'm not really sure about any of that, because I learned geometry from a textbook-- but Luke is now working out the proofs. He's on proposition number 7 I think, and is quite pleased with himself.

In fact he's so 'academic' these days, that he said to me the other day, "Mom, why are you always reading fiction? You should read something real so you can learn something."

I wanted to smack him. But I didn't. I just rolled my eyes. I don't think he has any clue how well read I am. I do have a degree in Zoology for crying out loud. No fiction in any of those classes to my knowledge.

*sigh*

Teenage son doing Euclid = World biggest know-it-all. As if he wasn't already.

Surgery

Blogging from the hospital today. Just a routine tonsillectomy/adenoidectomy for Kate. She's always had super big tonsils, and she snores, and may have a touch of sleep apnea, AND she seems to be constantly battling a cold. I think having RSV as a newborn didn't help her immune system any-- but we're hoping with this surgery, she'll sleep better and not get sick so much. Fingers crossed!

Kate has been a trouper. A little nervous for the last few days, didn't want to talk about her surgery, but pretty good. This morning she's doing fine. They gave her a little doll that she colored the face on, and her own blanket that she gets to take home-- that helped. The nice 'child life specialist' came in and explained all the machines, tubes and procedures, and left her w/ crayons and markers, her favorite pass time. Kate took it all in stride. She's happily watching Disney TV and coloring now-- waiting for them to come get her.

I'm headed straight to the cafeteria once she goes. I didn't eat this morning, since Kate couldn't. What is it about NOT being able to eat that makes you ravenous? I frequently go half the day without eating, but if I CAN'T eat, like when I'm fasting, I'm starving!

Ok, I'm back. That cafeteria food sucked. I feel slightly sick.

Doc came in and said Kate was all done, and that her tonsils were HUGE. Biggest he'd ever seen. That will make her recovery worse though, as there were lots of blood vessels that had to be cauterized. I hope she does well.

Nurse just said she's coming back to the room. Time to put on my nurse/mommy hat.

She's groggy, but drank some apple juice. I found her this little bear at the gift shop. She's the stuffed animal collector. Poor thing. Something about seeing your child in a hospital bed, drugged, vulnerable just tears at your heart.

In a couple of hours we'll be on our way home, via the drug store. I have a feeling pain killers are going to be key in this recovery! I love Lortab! LOL. I have a big bottle at home from my toe, I feel better just knowing I have it. LOL. I'm crazy aren't I? This is what comes from being a big woos. My world is a better place when I have a pill to stop the pain!

Enough about me. Kate is doing well. I'm sure it will get worse before it gets better though, as I hear day two is killer. She has one more week off track, and hopefully she'll be back to normal by then.

Ah, here's Chris with my Jamba juice.

Signing off from the Riverton IHC Hospital!

*note from home: Kate has been puking a lot. Like 4 times. Poor girl. Can't imagine how much that hurts. Hopefully just the anesthesia working it's way outta her system, and she'll be over it soon. She hasn't had anything to eat all day, as she feels to icky to eat. 

Halloween 2012

 Dinner... I DO sometimes make an effort... rarely...

Kate decided that since we moved, she had a new audience for last years costume, updated only w/ a new DI jumper. Anyone remember Pippy Longstockings?! Only the old people seemed to get it. *sigh*

Zeke went as his second choice, Bob the Builder. He had his heart set on Darth Vader, but I didn't know how to do that w/o a huge mask, and knew he wouldn't wear one.

Ella wanted to be Laura Ingalls. Again, we had to explain her costume a bit. Her auntie's made her pioneer get up, it's really awesome. She would be all set for Trek-- if she were old enough.

 Zeke only did a few houses w/ his sisters before heading home to slam the door into the faces of the trick-or-treaters with a maniacal laugh. He's slightly deranged at times. lol. The girls stayed out for 2 more hours, only coming home when their buckets could literally hold no more. One good thing about high density housing-- lots of doors in a small area! Let the stomach aches begin. Well, except Kate only has one day before her tonsillectomy to gobble hers down!

Tess, Luke and Chris went to the traditional cousins over 12 Halloween party, which starts out with Baptism's for the dead (apropos, right?) and then ends with dinner and the candy game at a rich cousin's mansion. They have a good time, do some good, and most of all, don't annoy people who hate to see teens trick or treating. Like me. I turned off the lights once I had 5 teen groups in a row. No more little kids? We're done. I'm just mean like that. 

Family Dies in Sleep

2 nights ago, our CO alarm in the basement went off at 12:30am. They are apparently linked throughout the house, because one on the main floor and one upstairs went off too. I had to shake Chris to wake him up! Man, that guy can sleep through anything! In fact, Luke and I were the only ones who woke up. That's a bit disconcerting right there...

Anyway. Chris shut them off and came back to bed. I said, "Was it a false alarm, or are we all going to die in our sleep tonight?" They went back on. He went to the basement and cleaned it out, thinking maybe the construction dust set it off? Then he checked the furnace, and the fireplace-- for what I don't know. How do you detect a CO leak? The alarms! How do you know if the alarms are mis-firing? There have been reports of other fire/CO alarms in the neighborhood going off at all hours of the night. Something about faulty alarms used by the builders around here.... I racked my brain to remember the yahoo group posts on the subject. Maybe we just got bad ones too. But what if they were working properly?

Chris woke up all the kids-- you know, to make sure they were ALIVE! Then he decided to stay up for a while to see if he got 'loopy'. He watched a movie. I lay in bed stressing out. Am I feeling drowsy? Wait, I'm just tired, or AM I? What if my brain in slowly dying as more and more CO attaches itself to my red blood cells? What does CO poisoning feel like?

It was the longest night ever. Add Zeke to the bed, bc Chris woke him up, and it made for a very sleepless night.

We SHOULD have gotten everyone out of bed, called the fire department, and waited on the porch for them to arrive. But we were JUST SO TIRED. But we survived. I guess it was just the dust.

ARGH!

Parenting 101-- What NOT to do

I don't think it'll come as any big surprise to any of you that Ella is my 'difficult' child. I have not been quiet on this matter. She's my child that seems to have come from another world. I don't understand her. I don't know how to parent her. She was driving me crazy pretty much since birth, whether it was her climbing, or her food facials, or the fact that we had to duct tape her diaper on or we'd wake up to poop smeared walls. She needs attention 24/7. She demands it. It's exhausting. She's loud and in-your-face and defiant. She says things like, "Kick him in the nuts!" (to one boy of another) and to the whole family at the dinner table,  just last night, "Tess is fat!" Me: "ELLA!" Her: "What? She's chubby!"
She has no filter. Wait. That sounds familiar, I guess she's more like me than I want to admit.

Regardless, this is how I see her.

Chris sees her differently: She's going places. She's a powerhouse. She's going to move mountains. I was JUST like her when I was little (really?!).

He reminds me of her baby blessing, where she was told she would preach the gospel to many nations. MANY nations. (We named her Chieko, after one of my favorite RS GA's, Chieko Okazaki, a power house of a woman, who DID proclaim the Gospel to many nations--- only we picked out that name before her blessing obviously. Coincidence?)

From that alone, I should have realized I had a special child on my hands, but because I'm constantly cleaning up after her, scolding her, or being embarrassed by her, I find myself not *liking* her. Love her, yes, of course, but like her? Not so much.

I know. I'm the worst mother ever. A good mother would never *think* that thought, let alone proclaim it out-loud to cyberspace.

*
*
*
*

A few nights ago, Ella told Kate, "Mom hates me."
"No she doesn't. Sometimes she just gets mad at you."
"No. She hates me."

And now you know my secret torment that I've carried around this last week.

I'm such a horrible mother that my own child is convinced I hate her.

I wasn't going to blog this. Believe me, I was just too ashamed of myself to put it out there. But, I can't ever seem to let go of anything until I write it down. It's almost like I can't make sense of my emotions until I see it in black and white. The telling of a thing, is my own brand of therapy. The way I make sense of my inner world. I don't understand my thoughts and emotions until I write it all down, get it all out of me in a cohesive, coherent form. Maybe I feel like I need to confess my deepest darkest thoughts too. Why? I have no idea. It's all my therapist's fault for telling me I could figure it out on my own!

One thing I know for sure. I'm mortified. And shocked that I could unknowingly be so unkind to her. I really thought I treated her the same as the others. I really did. Yes, I yell at her more often, but yelling is yelling, and all my kids get yelled at. Equally, I thought. I didn't think there was a difference in the way I expressed my anger towards her vs. the others.

Obviously, that's not true. Obviously, she has sensed my animosity towards her. I mean, I don't hate her, that goes without saying. I just don't 'get' her. And she frustrates the hell out of me, because I feel like I'm failing her, by not being able to find a way to parent her that makes her 'behave'.

Listen to me. I'm mad at her because she makes me feel like a bad mom. It's ridiculous. Just who is the adult anyway?

I've made a huge effort these last few days. I've tried not to yell at her at all. I've tried to keep my voice calm and level. I've spent more one on one time with her. Listened to her more. Talked to her more. I haven't succeeded 100%, but here's the kicker, the more outward patience I've shown her, the seemingly worse she's gotten. Like she's realized she can get away with more now.

Did you notice the word 'outward'?

I need inward patience. Children, like animals, can sense fear I guess. Fear, or insincerity? Is that it? I have to change not just my outward reaction to her, but my inward reaction. And that has not yet happened. I still react inwardly the same. She's still the difficult child, I'm just putting a smile on my face and speaking softer.

She's not fooled apparently.

The Gospel tells us that the way to love another person is to serve them. I'm trying to do that. I'm spending more time with her, trying to serve her in the way that she needs it-- by giving her more of my time and attention. Not easy with 5 kids, and until now, I've never consciously had to focus on just ONE of my children. I've never had to single one out like this. Maybe I resent her for that too. That I have to give her more, and therefore, less to the others? I don't know.

Parenting is not easy is it? I think I've got a few lessons learned and then WHAM! I get blind sided by this.

Live and learn? Life is about learning. Parenting, I've decided is more about what I'm learning, than what I'm teaching my children. It's a refining process for me. Us. For parents. Maybe more so for me though... anyone else have these thoughts? No? Don't tell me. I don't want to know that I'm the only one  that is so heartless to their own flesh and blood.  (And don't leave comments that are all, 'you're doing a great job-- don't be so hard on yourself.' I deserve this thrashing, and I'm not looking for pity. Diana, I'm talking to you, but I love you for always being my cheerleader!) 

I need to figure this out before I destroy her. Oh! That makes me sick. Heart sick. How could I be so awful to her? When you hold your newborn for the first time, you think in your heart, I  will love this child unconditionally forever! But then they grow a mind and will of their own, and you realize that -- wait a minute-- this is not what I expected love to feel like! It's just. plain. hard.

I hope and pray it's not too late for me to change-- and that I am capable of this change. Ella really is a beautiful child with a special mission on this earth, and I know deep down that the personality traits that make her a difficult child, will turn into her biggest strengths as an adult... if I don't quash her spirit before she becomes one.

Pray for us!

* and I will make sure she never reads this post -- in case you're worried *

Who's been playing with my camera?

Zeke and Annie were playing in the bathroom a little too long yesterday. When I finally got around to investigating, I found my camera on the floor. 

Me: Zeke, were you taking pictures with my camera? 

Zeke: No! It was Annie! 

Hmmm....has surprisingly long arms...

We should rename these two Bonnie and Clyde. Or Mr. and Mrs. Trouble. 

At least they haven't tried to get naked since the snow came. That's something...

The Other Woman

This year, Costco had all these lovely bulbs for like $10/100. I guess I was thinking of some other woman, one with tons of ambition, when I bought 400 of them. I also forgot that digging 400 6'' deep holes in the world's WORST soil (aka: rocks and clay) would be a total nightmare. 

I put it off, and put it off, I mean, the bag said I could plant into November... but every time I passed those bags in the garage, I heard that little voice inside my head, "You spent good money on those flowers. Are you just going to let them die in the garage?" Yeah, my little voice is really good at guilt trips.  

I finally got out and did about 100 over UEA break. My hands were blistered and raw in one hour. The next day, I did about 150 more, and transplanted a bunch of other plants to where 'they should have been planted in the first place'. My back ached. I said to myself, "Self. This is a good effort. Let's call it quits for the day." Fully meaning to get out the next day and do the last bunch. 

And then we woke up to this. Ugh. 

(notice the fence going in? our neighbor finally decided to do it, too bad we spent all the fence money on the basement! lol) 

Unless it warms up considerably, I think I'm done. I'll be disappointed come Spring, when one side of my yard is lacking in tulips, but for now--- I'm just fine with being done. Turns out, I'm NOT that other woman. But then, I think I already knew that...

Super Hero Phase

Zeke is officially in costume mode. He's been dressing up every day since I got down the costume box. He loves these capes that my neighbor made for her boys. One side is Batman, the other, Superman. SO cute. I need to make him one, but I'm soooo lazy....

I love it when he mixes his costumes. Yesterday, he had on Bob the Builder hat, Batman wings, and his light saber tucked in his pants. He's the superhero that can fly, cut off  the bad guy's arm and fix your porch all in one swoop! 

Don't go Annie!

Yesterday Zeke and Annie had a tiff. This happens daily, but sometimes, Annie is less patient with him. She got mad and said, "I'M GOING HOME!", then proceeded out the door.

Zeke was distraught. He wanted me to stop her. I said, "Go tell her you're sorry, and ask her to come back."

He ran to the porch and yelled down the street after her, "I'm sorry Annie! Don't go!" 

She huffed her way home anyway. She can be quite melodramatic. It's hilarious. 

Skinner Box

Luke has always known that the games on his iPod were nothing more than an elaborate Skinner Box. Yet, he continued to waste his allotted 30 min/day in playing these games-- more, if he could get away with it.

3 days ago, he excitedly told Chris, "Dad! I just got to ___ level! I did ____ and then I got ____ and it was so hard, but I did it, and now I have this many ____. "

To which Chris responded, "Luke. That is SO messed up. You didn't DO anything and you don't HAVE anything. It's all made up crap."

Luke's face fell. He pondered this statement for about 30 seconds and then said, "You're right. I'm erasing all my games right now."

And he did.

I continue to be impressed with this child's maturity. These games are so addictive for our children, and yet, EVERYONE is playing them, how can you say no? Even Zeke will grab my iPod and play Legos for a few minutes. His attention span is pretty short, so it's not a big deal, but will it be, later on? Sigh. We limit the time spent on 'gaming' to 30 min. a day and hope for the best. I think Luke came to the right conclusion and chose the best.

He's started studying Gospel Essentials and Preach My Gospel in his spare time, to get ready for his mission. I'm glad he won't be one of those missionaries in the MTC who are going through gaming withdrawal. Isn't that just SO pathetic? What has our society come to? Ugh.

Anyway, now we just have to convince Tess that games are a waste of time...

Remember life before these games? Remember the first Atari? No? Man I feel old. We just used to PLAY outside with our friends for entertainment. A stick and some dirt, that's all we needed to have fun for hours. Those were the days.

The girls are on track break. It's been 5 hours. My house is trashed, they are bored, their friends are all on different tracks... we may not survive the next 3 weeks...