Living in the NOW

Lake solitude 

Zeke: take my picture! 

Monday mornings you'll find me sitting at my computer hitting refresh on my gmail page every 30 seconds. Waiting for Luke to get online. Hopefully I can get a few exchanges with him before he's out of time. We went hiking yesterday and when we got to the lake at the top, I asked, "what would Luke be doing now?" Answers were, building a dam, a cairn, exploring the cave, or the cliff wall. Anything but sitting still, like I was. I'm trying to be more present. Live in the moment, unconcerned with past or future. It's very difficult for me. Mostly because I have a hard time quieting my mind. It always wants to think about what's next, or dwell on something that has been. I identify with my mind, and yet, that's not who I am. I am not my thoughts. 

I think God is in the present. Time does not exist for Him. There is only the now. When we can still our minds and just BE still, then we can experience His presence. I've had a few glimpses into that stillness. My goal is to be there always. 

I'm reading A Course in Miracles right now. It's really pushing me. Intellectually, spiritually, mentally. I'm gaining a whole new understanding of the atonement through it, and it's amazing. 

Anyway, still no Luke online. I'm waiting for the day when I don't miss him so much. But there I go again, dwelling on the past and the future instead of focusing on the now. 

Missing one big, size 11 Chaco. 

Tess and Kate got henna tattoos at the community festival. Kate's so dark tho-- hers barely shows. 

Bonneville Salt Flats

I've never seen the salt flats. Chris used to go out with his dad and look for old bottles for his moms collection, but none of the kids had seen it. Tess told me she wanted to see them, so I looked it up and thought the reviewers seemed impressed. I also found out there is a little Mexican dive at the exit, and used that as enticement for Chris to make the hour and forty five drive! He loves Mexican, I hate it, so we never go. The kids watched a movie there and took their RC cars hoping for a nice smooth place to drive them. It wasn't as smooth as I'd imagined. I guess they actually smooth out the salt before they race on it.

Zeke decided that pulling his car on a leash was easier than driving it remotely. Lol. 

Interesting fact, the flats used to be 2-3 ft thick, but now are only 2-3 inches thick. They used to have a 14 mile course for the speed races but now can only find about 7 miles of safe area. The source blamed industry for the decrease. The races may be cancelled this year due to poor conditions. 

We stayed about 20 min. Man, it's hotter out there than here! Zeke and Ella were mad we didn't stay longer, but it was hot and we were hungry. The Mexican was ok. They had cheeseburgers --thank goodness-- Ella and Zeke were threatening a hunger strike over the Mexican! Guess they inherited my distaste of that particular cultures food. 

Really cool place. Felt a bit like being on the moon, or another planet. You can drive your car out there and go as fast as you want. There were a few taking a spin. 

The drive home was another movie (would not have been a fun trip w/o movies!) long. It was a fun and different outing. 

Religion vs. Spirituality

2 Nephi 4:34

"O Lord, I have trusted in thee and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for a I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm."

Jeremiah 17:5

"Thus saith the LORD; Cursed be the man that trusteth in man, and maketh flesh his arm, and whose heart departeth from the LORD. " 

Psalm 118:8

"It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man. "

Isaiah 2:22

Desist from the things of man,in whose nostrils is but breath!For of what consideration is he?

2 Nephi 28:31

Cursed is he that putteth his trust in man, or maketh flesh his arm, or shall hearken unto the precepts of men, save their precepts shall be given by the power of the Holy Ghost.

2 Nephi 9:41

… the keeper of the gate is the Holy One of Israel; and he employeth no servant there…

Thoughts? 

Treking Tess

Tess had a very busy month. One week in Oregon with her BFF, home for 2 days then off to Trek, home for 2 more days, off to Powell, home for one day, off to girls camp. We've missed her. The house feels so empty with only 3 kids here. Weird.

She took her friend Ellie Jones to Lake Powell, so she'd have a friend. They had a good time with the 3 teenage boys, had their run of the boat, and spent lots of time with just the 5 of them.

She flew all by her lonesome to OR. I walked her to the gate in SLC, her BFF's mom picked her up at the gate in OR, but on the way home, she did it all solo. Alyssa's family moved to Oregon last summer, and it has been really hard for Tess. She saved her money and got her plane ticket in May. She had a great time, and wants to go back. Permanently I think...

We were driving home in the car a while back and I was telling her how to get dinner ready while I was gone, when I said, "Do you understand?" Not even looking up from her phone, she responded, "Uh huh... No. I stopped listening to you a few minutes ago. Can you just write it down?"

LOL. At least she's honest!

Her trek parents praised her up and down for being the one to set the cheerful tone, always have a good attitude, and to keep giving her all the whole week. We had one ward couple come over the week before and tell us they were praying they'd get Tess in their family. They didn't, but another from our ward did. One of the YW leaders. Tess ended up really loving them, while she hadn't really been too keen on her before. So that's good!

She said it was really hard, and 3 of her 5 brothers didn't pull or push their weight the entire week. She wished Luke had been there. Oh, and one of them is the kid from her car pool who has a crush on her, and kept touching her all week. She was very patient with him apparently, even though she wanted to punch him in the face. lol. I think she had a great experience. Although she was a bit frazzled when she first got home, right Melissa? lol. And FILTHY. Holy Cow. That white shirt she's wearing in the photo? Never coming clean. But, she didn't get any blisters. Even though she FORGOT the expensive wool socks I bought her JUST FOR TREK. Sheesh. Her feet are pretty tough, especially since she spent a week climbing trees -- waaaaay too high--- in the forests of Oregon barefoot the week before.

Getting ready to go!

That's Tess pushing. She's wearing her dad's side pack.

She and Chris are at girls camp this week. No cell service up there. Chris got roped into staying all week-- that was before we started on the basement (MIL moving in soon). Now he's a bit stressed about finishing it before school starts. The other PH guy? 18 yo. Rourke. No other men willing/available. Rourke has nothing else to do while waiting for his mission departure I guess. He's chatty Kathy and is driving Chris insane.

One of the leaders posted this photo on FB. I wonder how she has cell service...
Tess is never one to wear shoes if she can help it.

On the last night of camp, the girls did the 'hold to the iron rod' maze thing, where they blindfolded the girls and have them hold a piece of rope and then try to get them to let go and follow bad examples instead of following the iron rod to.... what is usually a picture of Jesus, right? 

Well not our ward. When the girls successfully made it to the end of the maze, they took off their blindfold to see... the Bishop and his wife, in their temple whites, standing under a tree lit with glowing fruit. 

*awkward pause*

Tess went over to Chris and asked, "So, the Bishop is my Savior?!"

Not sure where they were trying to go with that one. Pretty weird tho. (Ideas for camp Melissa? lol.)

She made it! To... her... eternal reward? Heaven with the Bishop? Anyone see where they were going with this? lol.

She had a good time at camp. The leaders did a great job, and whenever she was feeling like she needed some space, she'd go hang out with her dad for some down time. It was a busy busy month. She has a month to get ready for school. She got a part in Guys and Dolls, the school musical for next semester, so she's looking forward to that. 

The Character of God

I have recently re-read the Lectures on Faith, by Joseph Smith. Something I have only recently learned, the lectures were originally part of the Doctrine and Covenants. They WERE the Doctrine, and what we have left is the Covenants. They were removed for reasons that you can find in the Church's history, if you care to look. I consider them very important, as much so as our other LDS scriptures.

Here is a part of the third lecture:

2 Let us here observe, that three things are necessary, in order that any rational and intelligent being may exercise faith in God unto life and salvation.

3 First, The idea that he actually exists.

4 Secondly, A correct idea of his character, perfections and attributes.

5 Thirdly, An actual knowledge that the course of life which he is pursuing, is according to his will.—For without an acquaintance with these three important facts, the faith of every rational being must be imperfect and unproductive; but with this understanding, it can become perfect and fruitful, abounding in righteousness unto the praise and glory of God the Father, and the Lord Jesus Christ.

So according to the vs. 4, we must have a correct idea of God's character in order to exercise true faith. That started me wondering, what do I know of God's character? Is He an all loving, merciful Father figure? A vengeful and 'jealous' God to be feared? The scriptures paint Him as both-- so what is He? Without having a real experience WITH Him, I think it is difficult to know for sure. I have been trying to have a real experience with Him. With Christ. With the Holy Spirit. I have begun to question my traditionally held belief that they are three separate beings. Even Joseph, in the 5th Lecture, states the Godhead is made up of TWO beings, God and Christ, and the Holy Spirit is simply 'the mind and will' of those TWO. So, hmmm.... not what I've always believed. Yet, I've accepted everything else Joseph taught. What to do? 

Well, first, and most importantly, I've been trying to have a real relationship with God/Jesus. Not just praying to them, but really trying to spend time communing with them in meditation. Asking for light and learning to listen to their voice, or the voice of the Spirit. It's not easy. So along with this, I've been seeking other sources of knowledge, the scriptures of course, but also books I feel led too-- knowing full well, that the learning of men can never super-cede a true knowledge of God gained only by experiencing Him. Nevertheless, I've asked God to lead me, and I believe He has. I have read 2 books lately that have changed my paradigms about God. I'm not saying that they are absolute truth, but because they presented such a radically different idea of the character of God, I was able to open my mind to the possibilities, and was therefore able to ask more specific questions during my meditation. Questions I never would have thought to ask before, based on what I already 'thought' I knew. I believe that if we don't know the right questions, God cannot give us the answers we truly need. And I believe that Mormonism does not contain ALL the truth there is to be had in this life. There is much truth in every religion of the world. 

Joseph said:

“I stated that the most prominent difference in sentiment between the Latter-day Saints and sectarians was, that the latter were all circumscribed by some peculiar creed, which deprived its members the privilege of believing anything not contained therein, whereas the Latter-day Saints … are ready to believe all true principles that exist, as they are made manifest from time to time.”

“I cannot believe in any of the creeds of the different denominations, because they all have some things in them I cannot subscribe to, though all of them have some truth. I want to come up into the presence of God, and learn all things; but the creeds set up stakes [limits], and say, ‘Hitherto shalt thou come, and no further’ [Job 38:11]; which I cannot subscribe to.”

I had become a sectarian. Exactly what Joseph could not subscribe to.

So, in my process of 'being with God', I have learned (or allowed Him) to take down all my self imposed stakes, and let Him shatter my paradigms. It has not been easy. It's not fun to realize that you do not, in fact, know everything there is to know about God and religion. Believing that I already knew everything, limited what God could teach me. It made my neck stiff, unable to look at any other possibilities, and my heart hard, that I could not be taught. What's more, I've realized that I've lived in a state of complaisance most of my life. Having believed I already knew all there was to know about God and salvation, I was on cruise control, just following my leaders, checking off my lists of 'things to do to get into heaven'.... never really consulting the God of heaven and earth, because I thought my religion had already done the hard work of seeking light and knowledge, and had just handed it to me, on a silver plater, so to speak.  

Ah, I'm rambling. Back to the topic. The Character of God. I believe there is more to know about God. I believe He wants us to know Him intimately, and to do that, we have to expand our minds, and our current belief systems. Joseph said, "A man is saved, no faster than he gains knowledge." I believed I had all the knowledge I needed, but challenges and trials in my life have forced me to seek Him. And seeking Him has made all the difference. 

I recommend these two books, to further explore the character of God:

The Shack, by Wm. Paul Young

“In seminary he had been taught that God had completely stopped any overt communication with moderns, preferring to have them only listen to and follow sacred Scripture, properly interpreted, of course. God's voice had been reduced to paper, and even that paper had to be moderated and deciphered by the proper authorities and intellects. It seemed that direct communication with God was something exclusively for the ancients and uncivilized, while educated Westerner's access to God was mediated and controlled by the intelligentsia. Nobody wanted God in a box, just in a book.” 

" Those who love me have come from every system that exists. They were Buddhists or Mormons, Baptists or Muslims; some are Democrats, some Republicans and many don't vote or are not part of any Sunday morning or religious institutions. I have followers who were murderers and many who were self-righteous. Some are bankers and bookies, Americans and Iraqis, Jews and Palestinians. I have no desire to make them Christian, but I do want to join them in their transformation into sons and daughters of my Papa, into my brothers and sisters, into my Beloved." 
"Does that mean," said Mack, "that all roads will lead to you?" 
"Not at all. Most roads don't lead anywhere. What it does mean is that I will travel any road to find you." 

“religion is about having the right answers, and some of their answers are right... but I am about the process that takes you to the living answer... it will change you from the inside. there are a lot of smart people who are able to say a lot of right things from their brain because they have been told what the right answers are, but they don't know me at all. ” 
― Wm. Paul Young

Beautiful Outlaw: Experiencing the Playful, Disruptive, Extravagant Personality of Jesus, by John Eldredge

“He is the playfulness of creation, scandal and utter goodness, the generosity of the ocean and the ferocity of a thunderstorm; he is cunning as a snake and gentle as a whisper; the gladness of sunshine and the humility of a thirty-mile walk by foot on a dirt road.” 

“Jesus came to reveal God to us. He is the defining word on God—on what the heart of God is truly like, on what God is up to in the world, and on what God is up to in your life. An intimate encounter with Jesus is the most transforming experience of human existence. To know him as he is, is to come home. To have his life, joy, love, and presence cannot be compared. A true knowledge of Jesus is our greatest need and our greatest happiness. To be mistaken about him is the saddest mistake of all.” 
― John Eldredge

Ella's New Smile

Kate and Ella both get braces this year. Kate's aren't too bad, so she's not starting till October. Ella on the other hand has shark teeth. Like rows behind rows of teeth. Last month she had to have 2 on the bottom pulled so that the permanent teeth had room. Today she got her palate expander and braces on the top teeth because they're so bad they have to be fixed before the final set goes on later. Poor thing. She can't swallow, so she's drooling a lot. She can't eat, so she's starving. She can't talk, so she sounds like a hill billy. She'll re-learn where the roof of her mouth is eventually.

She chose purple and turquoise. Lovely eh? lol. Oh, and we got our first letter from Jamaica from Luke. I posted it on his blog, after MUCH editing. Holy cow! That kid has some serious spelling and punctuation issues! lol. At least we could read it. If missionaries were still hand writing letters, I fear we wouldn't be able to decipher a word!

Missing Luke

More of Luke's cairn's at the top of Angel's landing in Zions

It's a quiet day, the house is clean, my book is finished-- there's nothing left to distract me.  I'm missing my son. I've been going through his photos. I pulled out a couple that remind me of his personality.

I assume he made it to Jamaica, or at least his bank card did-- I wish his mission president would have written to tell me he got there alright. He called from his layover in Atlanta, he was super excited to get there, but was dead tired, as he had been up at 2:30am that morning. It was good to talk to him one last time.

So I decided to post a poem he wrote a couple of months ago. He and Chris have become quite the poets lately. Chris and his class of boys wrote slam poetry for a while. It's funny.

Anyway, here's Luke's poem. I think it's really good, in a Suess-ish kind of way. But... I'm the mom. So take that for what it's worth.

Where I Stand

Luke Johnson

 THIS is where I stand.

Right here, right now, immovable. 

Totally completely 100% un-improvable.

You can’t move me! You never will!

Even the thought would give me a chill.

Wait, 

Will I be here... forever?

What started as such a bold statement of power

seems to have left me in a broken down tower--

cold and alone, in a drizzly rain shower.

Nowhere to go

Nowhere to be

What do I do?

What will become of me?

This place I stood mighty and once held so dear--

it seems all that it’s brought me is trouble and fear

The surety I knew, I now see so clear,

Not freeing, just binding.

From my eye, falls a tear.

It seems all that is left, is to take just one step...

Wait,

Now that I’ve moved one step,

why not one more?

Another

Another

I’ve opened the door 

to space and to sky!

 No longer bound to earth, I think I can fly!

I’m walking

I’m running

I’m flying! 

There is no end to what I’ll be trying!

And now I am free to fall and to fly

to walk and to run,

live low or live high!

I no longer live in my Ivy tower

Now my view changes from hour to hour

And when I am asked, “Just where do you stand?”

I’ll say, “It’s not where I stand, but just where I Am.” 

I have to laugh at the amount of selfies
this kid takes. He downloaded all his photos
before Tess took over his phone. TONS of
selfies. This is a teenage thing I hope. lol.

He's always been a collector.
This is his bottle collection.
I made him get rid of it before he left. 

Luke has always known who he was, and it didn't come from us. I'm happy that he never seemed to suffer from low self esteem, and always felt good in his own skin. I wish I could say the same about myself sometimes! I only wish he was going to be around more, to model that for his siblings, alas, I think he's flown the nest for good. I can't imagine him coming home for more than a year before he's off on his own again. As a parent, your job is to raise your kids so that they don't need you-- but man, when they get there, it's bitter sweet! And as I sit here wallowing, Zeke comes up to me with a coat stuffed up his shirt and tells me he's pregnant! lol. I still have lots of time with this one. Parenting is awesome. What amazing learning and growth it provides us! It's the hardest job in the world, and the one with the most rewards. Seems like just yesterday, Luke was peeing all over me every time I changed his diaper-- and now look at him! Off to conquer the world! (or at least Jamaica) My heart smiles just to think of those Jamaicans trying to resist him!

He loves lights man. His room was strung with Christmas
lights all year round. 

MTC

One last breakfast with Grandma and Grandpa at the Original Pancake house.

Last sibling photo for two years...

This is  Jessica Bird, she graduated with Luke, and is going to Washington. She went in 15 min. before Luke.

Chris took this up close and personal shot. 

The drop off sucked. I'll just leave it at that. We went to the Provo DI after to drown our sorrows in bargain hunting. It didn't work. We went home and finished moving all the girls around to their 'new' bedrooms. And cried some more. Bleh. 

The only thing that made it bearable was how excited Luke was to just GO ALREADY! I tried to keep my smile on till we drove away. It worked... mostly. 

Farewell

Luke's farewell was last week. He did a really great job. We had lots of people come from all over to hear him. I was really pleased by the support he received.

His talk was so good. He studied all week, for hours at a time, and kept saying things like, "Wow. God just seems to want me to study, because He leads me to the best scriptures, but then when I try to write something down, nothing comes, and so I just go back to reading." It finally came together for him the day before (of course), and he was super excited to share it. He told my SIL that we was so excited for her to hear it, because it was SO good! LOL. He really felt that he was sharing the message the Lord wanted him to share, so he was excited. He talked entirely about the Savior, and about salvation. Nothing about why he was serving a mission, nothing really about missions, it was completely free of anything specific to Luke. I loved it. I cried at the end with gratitude for all that God has taught Luke, and how far ahead he is in matters eternal. I feel like a mere babe compared to his understanding of the Lord and His gospel. His relationship with the Savior is deep and personal. I couldn't be happier, and feel comforted knowing that He will not be alone on this journey.

I put his talk up on his missionary blog, here.

After, we came home for Pork Salads. I think we had close to 80 people in our house at one point, it was SO crowded. I was a nervous wreck, and wish that I could be more Zen about things like that. The night before I melted down, almost beat Zeke when he decided to 'run away' in the pitch black rain storm, in his footie PJ's, and then had a tiff with Chris that resulted in him sleeping on the couch. I think he was afraid to come to bed!  I didn't sleep at all that night and so I was exhausted before the day even began Sunday. I should have let someone else hover over the food, and enjoyed our friends and family more. Some of them I didn't even say hello to before they left. I feel bad about that. I can't just sit and enjoy the moment. *sigh*

Anyway, I had about 25# too much pork, and not enough lettuce. My poor Dad got sent to Costco to get more. Ox in the mire and all that crap. I was just happy Costco was open on Sunday!

One last sibling picture, thanks to my SIL Leslie, otherwise I'd have ZERO photos of the day. 

Rachel (the girlfriend) 

My brothers doing the dishes while I catch up with an old friend. I didn't even ask-- how awesome are they? 

Luke's SS teacher, Leslie Reader

Last shots with the Nakaya cousins. Above and below.

Marianne, Susan (Chris's sisters) and Laverne (his mom).

Masaru chillin' with Luke. 

I think Luke enjoyed himself. I hope he did. He can be a worrier like me sometimes, and be overly sensitive to others-- but he has just enough of Chris in him to be able to live in the moment, unlike me. For his homecoming, I'm doing store bought cookies. I swear. I just can't do that again. Heaven help me when Tess gets married. I told her I'd pay her to elope and save me the headache! lol. Poor girls.

With the farewell behind us, it was time to get him ready. I've been putting off his shopping--- like, he had NO clothes! I've been in such denial that he is actually going to leave at some point, that I didn't see the need to shop. So Thursday, we finally bit the bullet and did it. One quick stop at Costco for Dockers pants. One stop at the Missionary Mall in Provo for everything else, oh, and a quick stop at JCP for a belt. Done in 2 hours. $575. Not bad, considering everyone told me to expect $1K minimum. It helped, not having to buy suits. Or a suitcase. I've been slowly washing and ironing all his shirts and pants and things are starting to pile up in my bedroom, waiting for Tuesday packing day.

It hit me today that he is actually going to leave.

Of course, this day coincides with my PMS, so I've been crying. A lot.

I honestly don't know how I'm going to be able to say goodbye and let him walk away. This is just so much harder than I thought it would be. He's such a joy in our life, that this really sucks. Zeke said today that he's going to miss Luke and thinks he'll forget 'body slam'-- their brother wrestling thing. Tess said she can't go back to school after dropping him off at the MTC, because she'll still be crying. I'm sure we'll all have a good cry all the way home. I had to add a whole new label to my blog for this post!

Luke took one last trip with his buddies to Zion's Nat'l park this weekend. I was glad he went. Neither of these 2 boys are going to serve a mission(they like pot too much!), but they are both so sweet and good, and they've been the perfect balance for Luke's intensity. Not to mention, they love to climb, camp, hike and slack line as much as Luke does. They had a good time, one last boys outing.

Luke called us the first night out, just to talk, and tell us he loved us. He doesn't usually do that when he goes camping. It was sweet. And then they came home a day early, because he told his friends he just wanted to spend more time with us. He was only gone 2 nights, but Chris and I both missed him. Maybe we got a taste of what it's gonna be like, and it hit home how much we're going to miss him.

If it wasn't for the Lord's reminder that He has Luke in the palm of His hand, and this is His will, I don't think I could let him go. I really don't. The rational side knows it will be such a good experience for him, and that he will be of service to the Jamaican people, and grow even closer to the Lord. The 'Yeah, But...' side can't stop thinking about natural disasters, diseases, and the end of the world. What if he gets stuck on an island when the end of the world comes? Tsunamis? Hurricanes? Malaria? Oh my.

I know. I'm insane. Completely stark raving insane. And I'm out of tissues.

*deep breath*  This is a good time to remember why I named this blog what I did. Just breathe. Just breathe. Tomorrow we're boxing up all his stuff so that Tess can move into his room. Wednesday morning we're having breakfast with Grandma and Grandpa before we take him to the MTC.

2 more days and he'll be gone...  Keep it together keep it together keep it together...


Luke and Steven playing Spider Man in St. George

Luke likes to balance rocks and build Caryns... like, a lot. 

And do yoga poses after he's done. lol. Weirdo.

Steven hanging onto the overhang

Top of Angel's Landing. Joe brought watermelon! 

And more Caryns and balancing rocks of course!

You have to admit, this one is pretty cool.